The Friend Zone Episode 28: Pandora’s Box

We all want to act like we don’t need or want anybody. Everyone on dating apps is quick to point out how ‘independent’ they are, and it’s great to be independent; to not need anything from anyone or want to give anything in return…but isn’t also great to be needed and have desire for someone else?

From the Pages of Heroland: Roberta Manning

Like a spider, she came crawling over the top, shifting the rubble beneath her as she came. Ray looked, wide-eyed over his shoulder at the filthy disheveled creature that stared back at him with the same cold dead eyes of the bear he saw earlier. Her white hair was matted and covered in dirt. Her face was black with filth. The arms had been torn off of her shirt, which hung in tatters from her body. He looked at her in amazement and whispered “Roberta….”; it was not a question.

The Friend Zone Episode 26: Post Covid Blues

One day, we were talking about safe words and the validity of using ‘funny’ ones. Would the word ‘pickle’ be a viable safe word, or would it pull one or both of us out of the moment completely? But wasn’t that the point of a safe word? As we continued, Gloria opened up about a kink she hadn’t yet disclosed, and which I was unfamiliar. I knew she was into pain, but this was a specific type of pain...

The Friend Zone Episode 25: The Fallacy of Composition

The fallacy of composition is a logical error, a mistaken belief that what's good for one person, will still be good when others do the same thing. That's what internet dating is, because EVERYONE thinks that they're being great by saying things like "I'm kind and I like to travel", but, and I'm sorry to say this, SSSSSSNNNNOOORRE.

The Friend Zone Episode 24: Ethical JUST-Monogamy

I tried to lean in to kiss her neck at one point during missionary and she said “My husband doesn’t like me kissing.” I stopped mid pump and said “He’s not like, under the bed or some shit, is he?”; that got an eye roll, which really wasn’t an answer. I’m pretty sure her husband was under the bed.

The Friend Zone Episode 23: So You’re Hot, What Else You Got?

I’ve dated some very beautiful women, and in a lot of cases, I end up having to drag one word answers out of them like the worlds most put upon talk show host trying to interview Robert DeNiro.  Me: “So, you met Michelle Obama, that must have been fascinating! Were you nervous?” You: “Lil bit, lil bit.”

The Friend Zone Episode 22: Single Female seeks Double Murderer

Matt and I realized we'd been played by Ken. Apparently NOT everyone in California was as nice as they seemed. He was a pussy recruiter, sent out by DOUBLE MURDERER OJ SIMPSON, to find blondes (anecdotally the hair color of the woman he MURDERED).

The Friend Zone Episode 21: Dating in the Time of Covid

In June of 2020, I dated a lawyer for three months, who lived on the top floor of a high-rise. Her place had roof access and I remember thinking “This would be fantastic, if I were Spider-Man.” She was very confident in bed, which I like, but she had the BIGGEST black dildo I’d ever seen, which she called 'Shaq'.

Heroland Chapter 5

I was 13, and I'd just been sexually assaulted. I pulled the dildo out of my ass and looked at it in shock. Without saying a word, I bent down, still holding it, and pulled my shorts up as blood dripped down the back of my legs. I began shuffling toward the door, eyes saucer wide, staring at the soft rubber sex toy in my hand. It was filthy, covered in dirt; there was even a wet leaf stuck to it midway along the shaft. And It was long, with a dick head on each side. I held it firmly, from the bottom of one end, and it wobbled back and forth, comically, as I staggered forward.

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