The Friend Zone Episode 28: Pandora’s Box

We all want to act like we don’t need or want anybody. Everyone on dating apps is quick to point out how ‘independent’ they are, and it’s great to be independent; to not need anything from anyone or want to give anything in return…but isn’t also great to be needed and have desire for someone else?

The Friend Zone Episode 26: Post Covid Blues

One day, we were talking about safe words and the validity of using ‘funny’ ones. Would the word ‘pickle’ be a viable safe word, or would it pull one or both of us out of the moment completely? But wasn’t that the point of a safe word? As we continued, Gloria opened up about a kink she hadn’t yet disclosed, and which I was unfamiliar. I knew she was into pain, but this was a specific type of pain...

The Friend Zone Episode 25: The Fallacy of Composition

The fallacy of composition is a logical error, a mistaken belief that what's good for one person, will still be good when others do the same thing. That's what internet dating is, because EVERYONE thinks that they're being great by saying things like "I'm kind and I like to travel", but, and I'm sorry to say this, SSSSSSNNNNOOORRE.

The Friend Zone Episode 24: Ethical JUST-Monogamy

I tried to lean in to kiss her neck at one point during missionary and she said “My husband doesn’t like me kissing.” I stopped mid pump and said “He’s not like, under the bed or some shit, is he?”; that got an eye roll, which really wasn’t an answer. I’m pretty sure her husband was under the bed.

The Friend Zone Episode 17: Cheatin’

The Friend Zone (Twilight Zone music: Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di-di-di) You unlock this terror with the key of romance. Beyond it is another dimension; a dimension of joy, a dimension of laughter, a dimension of happy devotion. You’re moving into a land of both substantive beauty and childlike wonder; But then your hope is turned to fear... Continue Reading →

The Friend Zone Episode 15: Dating Websites

We go on a date, wind up back at your place and you shove that cat in my face, asking "Isn't he just precious?" while I politely try to back away so one of its poo-pee-paws that's been stomping around in piss & shit clumps doesn't touch my face. If I'm honest and say your cat is disgusting, I'll wind up in the friction-burn groin ward at Christ Hospital because NOT liking cats will turn your vagina into the Tatooine Desert. But, God forbid your cat scratches me with that shit-paw and gives me the sepsis.

The Friend Zone Episode 13: The Break-Up

The Friend Zone (Twilight Zone music: Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di-di-di) There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to men seeking love. It is a dimension as easy to fall into, as it is impossible to crawl out of. It is the middle ground between fear and joy, between desperation and devotion, and it lies... Continue Reading →

The Friend Zone Episode 12: Back in the Friend Zone

The Friend Zone (Twilight Zone music: Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di-di-di) You unlock this terror with the key of romance. Beyond it is another dimension; a dimension of joy, a dimension of laughter, a dimension of happy devotion. You’re moving into a land of both substantive beauty and childlike wonder; But then your hope is turned to fear... Continue Reading →

A Friend Zone Sub-Chapter: Halloween Humiliation

The Cuz Ah, Fall…some people like to romanticize it as the beautiful end of another year in life’s epic tale of endless skullduggery. As for me? Fall means that I won’t get that annoying summer heat rash between my balls and inner thigh that smells like sweaty gym shorts, olive juice and moist panda assholes... Continue Reading →

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