I’d like to register a complaint:
But first, let’s take a little trip down memory lane…
We’re at a party. I spot you across the room and you make my heart race a bit. We make eye contact, smile at one another, I walk over and strike up a conversation with you about the music playing, or our host who’s throwing the party, or something that we both have in common in that moment. A little witty banter, introductions, maybe some flirting, and I ask you to step outside…after all, it’s a bit noisy in here. Next thing we know, we’ve been talking for over an hour on the porch, and the time has flown by. The party is wrapping up and I say: “This has been great; would you like to go someplace and talk more next week?” We exchange numbers and boom…we’re dating. It’s natural, it’s flowing, it’s the way the world is supposed to work.
Here’s how it works now. We’re on a dating app, I spot your picture, read your profile, swipe right and leave you a witty message perfectly capturing a moment in one of your pics, or noting a commonality in our interestes because I’m all the things you SAY you’re looking for. You don’t respond because 500 OTHER guys have swiped right and sent you such captivating messages as “Hey”, “Hi” or “You’re hot”. I’ve either been lost in a sea of mediocrity or you didn’t bother to read my message because I’m not as hot as the 500 guys before me which is what you DID’NT say you were looking for, but is the only thing that fucking matters; the end.
On the OFF, OFF chance that you do respond to my question about an interest you mentioned in your profile, like: “Where was the last place you travelled?”, because you SAID that you like to ‘travel’. Oofa; no really, VERY unique (eye roll). You say “Who says I like to travel?” Well, YOU did, I mean it’s right there in your fucking summary…but I can’t SAY it like that, so I respond with: “It’s in your summary that you like to travel. Sounds like you have a lot of fun; where was your favorite travel destination?” You respond two days later: “Just because I like to travel doesn’t mean I’ve gone anywhere.” My reply “Ok, then why not say I WOULD like to travel, then I could have asked you where you’d like to travel to.” WHY AM I ARGUING WITH THIS FUCKING HEIFER!?!?!?!
Online dating is THE worst. It is to ‘dating’, what fast food is to nutrition, what Tommy Wiseau is to filmmaking; it’s like my Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm, full of secrets and lies. It’s the shitty, gelatinous beets at the end of the buffet table that the sneeze guard doesn’t quite cover. It’s an endless hamster wheel of mediocrity, that I continue to spin, hoping it doesn’t land on ‘HPV’. Online dating is a merry-go-round that ends in vomit. You swipe on faces all day. That’s it. There’s no point where anyone gets to know one another before the decision is made to swipe left or right. It’s purely facile. It’s a livestock auction, like buying a fucking horse. “Is this one pretty enough for me to possess? How are her teeth?” And that goes both ways, don’t think its only guys doing this.
And I’m tired of it, people. I’m tired of reading the same interests over and over. “I like travel, family, animals, plants, my job, music, movies, art, museums, concerts, baking, reading…” and on and on and on, just naming general nouns and verbs with NO specificity, no stories explaining why people like things, no examples; just I like ‘these’ things. It’s fucking basic as fuck.
I’m tired of women who SAY in their profile that I have to like the same thing as them. I don’t want a woman who’s a replica of all my likes and dislikes. I want to be with someone like minded, sure, but with differing opinions. Someone who can introduce me to new ways of thought, debate me on issues in which we differ, and who maybe, once in a while, will listen to Howard Stern with me without a Grimace on her face so big and purple that McDonald’s files a lawsuit against her for copyright infringement.
I’m tired of self-summaries that tell me nothing about a woman, other than that she’s sarcastic. Oh, fun. Some women won’t say anything at all, with summaries like: “…”, which tells me they purposely didn’t put anything there Or “I’ll fill this out later.” Fuck you, fill it out now Captain Procrastination. Or, just no summary at all. Occasionally you’ll get a full-on summary, but again, its mostly just generic Aldi brand, humorless drivel, either telling me what I can’t want or what they won’t do. “I’m not looking for a hookup, so you better not be looking for that” Fine, but why don’t you handle that scenario on a one-on-one basis, because for guys not looking for a hookup either, you sound a tich cunty.
I’m tired of the word ‘kind’. You ARE kind, you want a man who’s kind; define kind. What the fuck is ‘kindness’? You want a ‘nice’ guy? No, you don’t. You want a guy who treats you well, you don’t want a guy who cries when he sees a homeless man wearing a newspaper diaper. ‘Kind’ is a surface attitude. It’s what you want to present as a front when you’re a fucking serial killer. When I see profiles where women just say “I’m looking for someone ‘kind’”, I swipe left immediately because that woman doesn’t know what she’s looking for and I don’t want to be an experiment as she tries to figure it out. As for myself, I don’t know if I’m ‘kind’; I mean I think I am? I helped a very old woman with a walker down the steps in an Imax theater recently, after seeing “No Time to Die”. Does that make me kind? But I also flipped off a woman doing 30 in a 55 as I passed her, only to see that she was a nun. And people…I felt bad about it later, but I kept my finger up and stood by my ASL ‘fuck you’ AFTER I saw the habit. See? THAT’S specificity, that’s inner turmoil, that’s an example that tells you something about me. I’m just saying, be real.
I’m tired of pictures of the same woman over and over again, in front of the same fucking things. It’s Multiplicity without Michael Keaton, and Michael Keaton was the ONLY reason to watch Multiplicity; I mean sure, Andie MacDowell was delightful as always, but Keaton carried that movie across the finish line. And with the closeups…yes, you all have a face, I’m very impressed. How about we let’s back up the two-inch selfie stick and give me a little perspective? Most women in dating app pics are either posing as an accessory after the fact in front of wings that have been illegally spray painted on a wall, or they’re in the observation booth of Sears Tower, posing like a performance artists turd in a glass box. The rest are at a Blackhawks game, holding a cat, or lost in a group of other women. It’s all the same shit.I’m tired of women JUST relying on their looks; of profiles full of bikini pics and no substantive self-summary, as if the next woman in the swipe succession isn’t THE hottest woman I’ve ever seen. Yeah, you’re a beautiful woman but what does that do for me other than make me cum faster, which will make you leave me faster. Beauty is a useless talent, like being able to snap with your toes. There’s always someone younger and prettier, get over yourself. Hell, I had to change my age settings on Tinder because I was spending all my time masturbating to woman under 30 instead of actually trying to meet someone closer to my age. Why am I on a dating site when porn is fucking free, prolific and never, ever rejects me?
I’m tired of the pics that turn out to be of you from 20 years ago when you were hot; great, you have a photo editor and figured out how to 4K your bat-mitzvah pics from 1994 so they look recent. I don’t ‘look’ shame ANYONE; I purposely don’t ‘say’ what type of woman I’m attracted to in my profile, because, A.) it limits the women I’ll meet, and B.) I’ve learned that looks aren’t always the most important thing. What IS important, is that people be honest about their looks, which brings me to the fucking catfishing.
I’m tired of being fucking catfished, and lied to in a world where women so vehemently proclaim they want honesty. I’ve been on several dates with women who straight up catfished me, two just in the past year. One woman, and I’m being dead serious, put a picture of her hot friend up and was so heavy when we met in person that she broke the front right shock on my car. WHY would anyone think this is OK? I don’t care that she wasn’t attractive, what concerned me was that she fucking lied so boldly and obviously and then pretended that she DIDN’T just do that. I’m ugly but I try to LEAN into it. I put the worst pictures of myself up so when we meet in person, you’re like “Ok, this guy isn’t as bad as I thought he was going to be.”
I could go on about ‘pics’ all day; but my final thought on the subject is that I’m tired of the empathetic vertigo I get, looking at all the faces I see when I go on a swipe spree. I see a sadness behind the eyes of a lot of women, like how Joey Pants could ‘see’ the woman in the red dress behind the falling green numbers on the computer screen in ‘The Matrix’. Some of you have been online dating too long, some of you are just starting and have a naivete to your expectations and approach. I see this kind of desperation, this loneliness in your pics, that honestly…I feel too, but online dating is so one-fucking-way, that it’s difficult to share those feelings with anyone.
I’m tired of the defensive posturing where future perceived slights are grieved; I don’t know why you’re so angry, but the negativity is a real turn off. I read one profile that said “I have six ferrets, so if you’re not into that, SWIPE LEFT!” Jesus; take it down a notch, Captain Sausage Hamster. I mean, why not just say “Are you into the rank ammonia smell of stale tubed-marmot urine? Then I’m the girl for you!” Just saying, put a positive spin on it.
I’m tired of the fake profiles on some dating apps, created by the apps themselves to lure people in. “Look at this beautiful woman, whoops! She sent you a message! All you have to do is pay $39.95 a month to talk to her! Then I sign up and this fake ass lives in Malaysia or some shit, or even if the dating app is smart enough to put her close by, her written English sounds like a highly sexualized Shakespearian Yoda. “Strong penis looking for am I” or “Do me or do not do me, there is no try.”
I’m tired of the THOUSANDS of micro-rejections I get every day. “Thousands?” you ask? Yer goddammed right. And I’m not JUST talking about the women I swipe right on, or initiate contact with who don’t respond. Every day that the thousands of women on dating websites don’t initiate contact with me? That’s THOUSANDS of rejections I have to live with too…and I’m supposed to PAY for that level of rejection? Uh-uh, I ain’t the one.
I’m tired of the apps that don’t even bother weeding out the fake profiles that are SO obviously fake. If the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen has just ONE picture in her profile, I automatically know it’s a fake. Women who AREN’T so beautiful have 500 selfies on their profile, but Megan Fox over here is posing in nothing but a fur coat on a snowmobile in just ONE pic. Bullshit. And when the WASPIEST white American women you’ve ever seen, with a Bon Jovi “New Jersey” tattoo on her arm, says “Seeking for formidable bedmate hookup.” FAKE. ASS. PROFILE. Lotta Jersey girls say “seeking for…”? The fuck outta here. I imagine these are foreign men, trying to lure me into visiting their pee cam website from Nigeria or someplace. And look Babatunde, fool me once, shame on me, fool me six to ten times, shame on you.
I’m tired of the ghosting, and the ‘Ethically Non-Monogamous” and “Partnered” bullshit; I’m tired of being told after a week of talking to you that you’d been talking to someone else and you want to give them a chance; I’m tired of dates that go nowhere, boring sex, dragging one word answers out of you like a bad interrogation; I’m tired of being told who or what I can or can’t be, I’m tired of being judged before I’ve even talked to you, I’m tired of being made to feel like an asshole because I want to talk on the phone and meet eventually, I mean WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS IF WE’RE NOT MOVING FORWARD!?!?!
And look; I don’t mean to come off as whiney or angry here; but I’ve gotta vent; this is really doing a number on my psyche. There are SERIAL KILLERS in jail with fucking groupies and I’m over here making plans for a Saturday morning masturbation date with my hand. I’m a GOOD catch for fucks sake. There’s a TV show called “Love After Lockup” about women LOOKING to date felons; there are chat groups and websites devoted to women who are in love with infamous killers. Charles Manson was married to a 26-year-old when he died at 83. Ted Bundy was able to kidnap and murder more than 30 women just using his good looks as bait! DOUBLE MURDERER OJ SIMPSON is still dating beautiful blondes (One of which he MURDERED), Bill Cosby is STILL married, even fucking Harvey Weinstein has a girlfriend in jail! What in THE fuck are you doing out there, ladies?
I try so hard to be mindful of the things WOMEN are looking for in a man on dating aps, because I hear the stories of what men are doing wrong. You won’t see pictures of me posing next to dead animals, holding a fish, flexing with my shirt off in the gym, or making out with an ex-girlfriend; and I’m not going to IMMEDIATELY send you dick pics when we exchange phone numbers.
When I reach out to a woman, I mention something in her profile or pics, to show that I ACTUALLY read what she had to say. I hear ALL the time about how a woman HATES when men just say “Hi” or “You’re hot.” So, I try to stand out, be different, be original. But then I can’t win with that approach either, because if I’m ‘real’, how DARE I try to relate; if I’m funny or irreverent, how DARE I mock and offend; and when I’m playful or make a double entendre, how DARE I only want sex. These are YOUR hang ups, man, I’m just trying to get your fucking attention. Feel free to steer the conversation in any direction you’d like. IF any of you CAN start, steer, or navigate a conversation at all. So few women in online dating are extroverts, yet you NEED to be a bit outgoing to get what YOU want. I feel that some women are just waiting for the kind of guy they want to approach them and that CANNOT be how this works. First of all that guy doesn’t exist, and second this shit needs to be interactive; it needs to be a ‘find your own fate’ adventure novel (‘member those? Those were fun!) It can’t just be all me, trying and getting nowhere.
Before online dating came along and ruined the entire dating process, I did pretty well. I was either in long term relationships, meeting women in bars or at parties, or even at work. In fact, for a while I dated a lot of women I worked with and the reason why was because to know me is to love me. I have game in person. When I’m able to talk to women, make them laugh, and then surprise them with an off-color comment or a romantic compliment, the world is my fucking oyster. The problem with online dating is GETTING to that place.
This is why I try to move from the medium of online dating app messaging, to texting, phone calls, and a date, sooner rather than later. For me, texting is so much easier than app messaging; I can meme, share pics (NOT dick pics), and the flow is MUCH simpler. Calling is ideal because I can show confidence and humor WITH inflection. But meeting? You don’t really KNOW someone until you meet them, and that’s where I feel that I shine.
As an example, the women that I do very well with in person, are nurses. I get my hopes up when I have a date with a nurse because I know exactly how to open them up like a flower. “What’s the weirdest penis you’ve ever seen?” That’s it. That question fails hard in app messaging, but in person it sets the tone of laughter and openness for the entire evening. I’ve never ONCE been on a date where a nurse took offence to that question. Every time I ask it, they launch right into it. EVERY nurse has a weird penis story; as an aside, THIS is my only fear of death; that some nurse is going to use MY penis in a weird penis story, when they see me stretched out naked on the coroner’s table.
The fallacy of composition is a logical error, a mistaken belief that what’s good for one person, will still be good when others do the same thing. Like if you stand up at a crowded concert, you get a better view of the stage, but if everyone stands up nobodies’ view is improved.
That’s what internet dating is; it’s a fallacy of composition because EVERYONE thinks that they’re being singularly great by saying things like “I’m kind and I like to travel”, but, and I’m sorry to say this, SSSSSSNNNNOOORRE. I want to know about YOU; what makes you an individual? What makes you better than the rest? It certainly isn’t you making duck lips in a selfie with your tits packed together like Cargo Ships in San Francisco Bay.
Internet dating sites don’t WANT you to meet someone because then they don’t get paid. There’s a term in fast food called “Throughput”. Throughput means increasing the speed of assembly; doing things faster in order to make more. That’s what internet dating has become. People looking to date fast and furious, because it’s just another social media platform where the only things that count are the number of likes. And it’s manufactured; it’s packaged by the dating apps and websites to be that way so that you keep paying that all important monthly fee. I’m really surprised that Tinder doesn’t have a Ronald McDonald type of ‘fuck’ spokesman: Tinder McFuckface and his sidekicks Mayor McTits, The Dickburgler, and Grim-ass (Patent pending).
Common interest has given way to base attraction in online dating; the old sayings about how unimportant ‘looks’ are, crumble in the face of unwavering disinterest in anything but looks. We act in a way that society would never allow in public, shaming people in our minds before ever getting to know them. There’s an observer effect to this platform, by which I mean we’re disturbing the natural order of the grand dating experiment, by our act of observing it instead of just fucking DOING it. We complain about online dating, we bitch about being single, whine about being alone, cry to anyone who will listen about how hard this medium is to navigate, then we continue to do the SAME fucking thing…swipe, swipe, swipe.
I don’t know what the answer is; I don’t know how to fix the system. All I know is that the system is broken. We all know the definition of crazy, so why are we doing the same shit over and over? It’s time to break free, revolutionize online dating; maybe create a truly free dating website that caters to the concerns of women and men as individuals, that encourages meeting in person rather than pen-palling forever. And look, I’m a HUGE advocate of physical attraction. I get it…to a point. All I’m saying is read a fucking profile. There’s attraction beyond looks alone and we need this medium to be more radio than TV, more visualization, than visual, more grandiose than grotesque and more about who we are as people just looking to connect, than ONLY who we want to be seen in public with.
Complaint over…for now.