The Friend Zone
(Twilight Zone music: Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di-di-di) You unlock this terror with the key of romance. Beyond it is another dimension; a dimension of joy, a dimension of laughter, a dimension of happy devotion. You’re moving into a land of both substantive beauty and childlike wonder; But then your hope is turned to fear as the relationship rug is pulled out from under you and you realize that the feeling you’ve just crossed over into, resides in…The Friend Zone. (buhd-oo-bud-up!)
Written By: Terry Allen Cummings on 12/31/19
Brought to you by: Cous’n Cummin’s Entertainment
Featuring: The Ghost of Rod Serling
Episode 17: Cheatin’
Ghost of Rod Serling: The Major ingredient of any recipe for fear, is the unknown. In any relationship we may find two characters, either of whom could partake of this meal. A man and a woman, or whichever derivation of human noun you might perceive; and a third party…the unknown; that has just landed a few hundred yards away, upon this couple’s path. This is a relationship where love once thrived, but secrets and lies now abound in the shadow of a clearing known as…The Friend Zone.
My ex broke up with me a few months ago. Just came back from LA and said “I break up with you”. No explanation, no crying, just that statement and she left. We were together for seven years, been on vacations together, hung out with each other’s friends, raised a dog together, and now I haven’t seen or heard from her since her declarative statement. Obviously, she was seeing someone else or wanted to.
Am I bitter? No, because to me she did it the right way. She broke up with me, made NO mention of another guy, and rather than calling me out of the blue and saying something innocuous that could devastate me like “I just wanted to see if you still have our Christmas tree because I want to put it up in my new house before my boyfriend Riley and I drive up to the coast”, she has chosen to break off all contact. And I’m happy with this arrangement because, fuck a Riley.
But not all guys have it that easy.
Cheating has become a time-honored tradition in American culture, perpetuated by ‘Real Housewives’, ‘The Bachelor’, the Kardasians and just about every other pop culture reference you can think of. Hell, Taylor Swift’s whole career is based on men cheating on her and she’s only THIRITY. And I can tell you as a man? You have to have a magical dick in order to have the swinging balls underneath it that it would take to cheat on a Taylor Swift. Those are SOME options these guys must have. Oofa.
Cheating certainly isn’t a new phenomenon, and I’m sure at some point in our history a forty year old female Neanderthal came home to the cave early after a busy day of running for her life from whatever the Harvey Weinstein equivalent of a dinosaur was, only to find her forty five year old Neanderthal husband’s big matted hairy Neanderthal ass pumping up and down into the dreadlocked vag of a twenty three year old cro-magnon on HER brand new wooly mammoth bed spread. Ain’t age AND evolution a bitch?
And if evolution isn’t your thing? Mary cheated on Joseph. That’s right, even if you BELIEVE in Immaculate Conception; God had to have at LEAST just put the tip in to get that Jesus ball rolling. I mean BEST case scenario, Mary fucked God, WORST case scenario she banged a guy who sold otter noses and wolf nipple chips down at the marketplace and thought that ‘God’ was the better lie. Either way Joseph had to be one pissed off carpenter once the whole Immaculate Conception spread. I mean, have you ever BEEN to a carpenter’s union meeting? The other carpenters must have snickering behind his back while making ‘Immaculate Contraception’ jokes. Plus, God was probably purposely and awkwardly avoiding Joseph’s prayers, and the biggest kick in the ass had to have been putting up with ALL of that and not being invited to the ‘Holy Quadrilogy’. He had to watch the ‘Holy Trinity’ club start, with no invite. That shit must have B.C. sucked.
I’m more of an evolution guy myself, so I have to think that in the days of monkey men, where there wasn’t much to do other than chew tree bark and fuck, men didn’t really know how to deal with the devastation of that moment when time seems to stop and they realize that their partner’s private’s are being violated by a Tyranosaurus Choad. It’s funny how all the years of therapy, all the countless hours of sorrow and self-pity that are accrued over that realization…can be attributed to that simple act: my partner’s fucking someone else. And let’s face it, when we get right down to it THAT’S what really seals our fucking envelopes.
When a guy sits angrily staring at a wall in his apartment at 2 AM, beer in one hand and the other morphed into a fist so tight that his fingernails are poking out the back of his hand, and his girlfriend is not answering his texts STILL, he’s not thinking “Gee, I hope she’s not sharing her lifelong dream of being a cast member in the ‘Glee’ reunion with some other guy”, no he’s stewing about the probability that some beefy co-worker, with a cock the size of a steelworker’s forearm holding a roll of quarters in his fist, is elbows deep in HIS ween’s special hidey hole.
Few things in this world can make you feel shittier than finding out that the person you love or HAD loved has cheated on you. The butterflies in your stomach that once represented a feeling of unrepentant admiration for that person suddenly morph into gorilla bats and start dive bombing your heart with lead-acid battery sized gorilla-bat shit bombs. It is the ONE point in your life where I will accept the term ‘I don’t know what to do’. Because really? You LITTERALY don’t know what the fuck to do. You are lambasted with feelings of disgust, anger, sorrow, revenge, self-loathing and the WORST? (And you may NOT want to admit this to yourself), pity for the person who cheated on you.
Why the fuck, that?
Who talked her into this? (Because we STILL think you’re a good person and couldn’t have done this sober and of your own free will). Is she ok? (Because we feel that YOU must feel severe sorrow for making this huge mistake) How will she go on without me? (Because deep down we HAVE to feel like you still need us). It must be my fault for not giving her ALL of me (because in our warped male brain, we think it’s OUR fault for not giving you a reason to stay faithful)
Going into a relationship we EXPECT a certain amount of trust from our partners, and we KNOW we’ll have to trust them in turn. But it’s not always that easy, especially when you’ve been betrayed before. The ghosts of relationships past will haunt you making trust a harder commodity to find in your relationship than dignity at a Brony convention (Look it up). I’ve been bitten by the ‘bitch be cheatin’ bug, and I can tell you from experience that that mother fucker is poisonous. You break out into a cold sweat, your heart starts beating off-rhythm like a special person with a new set of bongos, you lose your appetite and cry while masturbating in the shower (Or…y’know, cry harder).
Cheating has been a part of my life since the beginning. My father cheated on my mother with her best friend, he left us, moved out of state with the woman and never paid child support or contacted me again. The woman he left her for? Left her man with 3 kids and did the same thing. My uncle did nearly the identical thing to my Aunt. My Dad and uncle put pussy on a pedestal.
When I was seventeen, my boss who was in his late forty’s, made me complicit in HIS cheating with an 18 year old Polish foreign exchange student. I lived with him and his wife for a time, and in payment for letting me stay there, I had to cart his nagging, narcissistic, accent having Polish princess around to meet him at hotels or take her to work; I was basically her chauffer. I fucking hated it, because to tell the truth, his wife was such a nice lady that it made me feel like Lando selling out Han in ‘Empire’. Why did he cheat? ‘Cause he put pussy on a pedestal.
Another friend of mine, whom I worked with at a Barnes & Knobles Book Store many years ago, had a stunningly beautiful girlfriend and the two of them lived together. At one point in our friendship, I started dating a girl who also worked with us, and he started a passionate affair with her friend who worked with us as well. The four of us went out drinking every weekend and had a great time…behind his live-in girlfriend’s back. He used to joke and call the new girl his ‘weekend girlfriend’.
He was cheating. THEN he met another girl that we all worked with. I could see the fucking of this new girl on the horizon, and I emplored my friend to PLEASE…do NOT fuck this girl. I didn’t like her because she had ‘crazy eyes’, she was always crying and carrying on, and I KNEW that it would NOT end well. A woman like that can’t hold a secret because she needs attention. He assured me that he wouldn’t fuck her and things went back to normal.
A few weeks passed and while we were at work, my friend’s live-in girlfriend, my girlfriend, his weekend girlfriend and crazy eyes, all learned about his multiple infidelities at the same time. Turns out he DID fuck crazy eyes against my specific protests. I don’t know what the conversation was that the 3 of these women had that led to their mutual revelation, but they were not happy. Crazy eyes came up to my friend and threw her iced coffee in his face, his live-in girlfriend broke down, fell to her knees and had a crying fit in front of everyone, and ‘weekend girlfriend’ slapped the shit out of him in front of a store full of customers before storming out. He lost THREE women in 30 seconds. Plus, because I couldn’t stop laughing, he never talked to ME again…and he was my best friend at the time.
Then, MY girlfriend now felt comfortable enough with cheating to try it out with crazy eye’s brother while she was at their house comforting her. Why did all of this happen? Cause my friend put pussy on a pedestal so high that Michael Jordon from 28 years ago couldn’t get it down with a running start and a fucking trampoline.
There is never a situation in which cheating will end well.
Now, I’m not advocating that you don’t fall in love. But what I’m saying, is that it doesn’t always last forever. Love stagnates and can eventually turn both partners bitter and resentful towards one another. Unfortunately that bitter resentment doesn’t happen on a mutual timeline. That would be the best thing ever if it did. BOTH of you wake up one morning and over a cup of coffee, say “ I don’t think this is working out”, and then amicably go your separate ways. Imagine how much suffering could be avoided with that. But that’s not what happens and because one of these imaginary people is a fucking coward, they go out and find what they’re not getting in the relationship.
And I can tell you from years of experience both inside and outside of relationships…the key is communication people. You HAVE to talk to one another. That’s the only way to avoid cheating and other heartache.
Being back in the dating world, I’ve had occasion to speak with a lot of women whose main concern when looking for a man is that he not be a cheater. These women tell me horror stories of past boyfriends who fucked their sisters, best friends, and mutual acquaintances. But whatever their theory of why it happened, there’s always a common thread that communication broke down before the cheating happened. Then comes the self-pity because it fucking sucks being cheated on. Many of these woman may not come right out and say it, but they blame themselves for the dickheadedness of their ex boyfriends.
Cheating is ALWAYS the fault of the cheater; it’s a coward who betrays someone in that way. Fear is a choice they made to betray honesty. You’re better than that. The end.
I still don’t know if my ex was with a guy already, or wanted to be with someone else so she ended it, and I’m having a fine time living in that ignorance. Some women will break up with you and then fucking call you with the mixed messages, and I’ve done the math on this through years of experience.
After a relationship of 2 to 5 years, it takes a guy approximately 1 month to completely stop thinking of you, IF there is NO contact from you. During that 1 month, every time you call or text him, it ADDS an entire month of ‘get over’ time. So if you call him 3 times the month after the break up? It’s going to take him 4 months to get over you (including the initial month). So the formula is: (5y/x) + 1a * b = LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
There are certainly relationships that endure without the shadow of cheating, and I, like all of you endeavor to find one. There are even those that can survive the trauma of a cheat, and I say ‘ah salute’ to the fortitude of these relationships. For myself, I’m not a particularly dramatic guy. I try to be honest because I believe that that is what a man should be. A man is only as good as the word he has given. These may be outdated philosophies in todays world, but there are certain truths that tracend gender imperatives and personal beleifs. Accountablitiy is everything, no matter who you are. And by being accountable to ourselves, we perpetuate honesty and lessen the pain we cause others; that is the path to true, honest and sincere love that will never know betrayal.
Ghost of Rod Serling: Fear of course, is extremely relative. It depends on who can look down and who must look up. It depends on other vagaries like the time, the mood, the darkness and…the betrayal. But it’s been said before with great validity, that the worst thing to fear is fear itself; tonight’s tale of terror and broken promises…in The Friend Zone.
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I have a theory, and feel free to prove me wrong on this one, and I know that I’m sinking my own ship by saying this, but here goes: A woman will DO and put up with ANYTHING a man does…IF he has a big dick. He doesn’t even have to know how to use it as long as it’s big. Here’s the story behind my theory:
I had a friend a million years ago; one can only hope that he’s changed by now but we’ve been out of touch; haven’t spoken to him in years. He ate terribly, was fired from many jobs, went to jail for stealing, smelled terribly, and defiled just about every conceivable law of general human decency there is. But in all the time I knew him, he had a stunningly beautiful girlfriend, and he cheated on every single one of them. How did he get away with it, even when he got caught?…big dick.
He’s got a big dick. Have I seen it? Nope…don’t need to. I’ve had women TELL me that it’s like a baby’s arm with a boxing glove at the end.