The Friend Zone Episode 15: Dating Websites

The Friend Zone

(Twilight Zone music: Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di-di-di) You unlock this terror with the key of romance. Beyond it is another dimension; a dimension of joy, a dimension of laughter, a dimension of happy devotion. You’re moving into a land of both substantive beauty and childlike wonder; But then your hope is turned to fear as the relationship rug is pulled out from under you and you realize that the feeling you’ve just crossed over into, resides in…The Friend Zone. (buhd-oo-bud-up!)

Written by Michael Hempen

Brought to you by: Cous’n Hemp’n Entertainment

Featuring: The Ghost of Rod Serling

I’m Feeling:

Episode 15: Dating Websites

Chapter 11

The Ghost of Rod Serling: Mr. Michael Hempen, a gentle if not so patient man, whose love life has been a hope chest with a rusty lock and a lost set of keys. But in just a moment, that hope chest will be opened and an improbable phantom from a dating website will try to bedeck the drabness of this man’s failure laden romantic life with the gold and precious stones of fulfilment. Mr. Michael Hempen, standing on the outskirts and about to enter…The Friend Zone

I went to a restaurant the other night and was blatantly hit on by a waitress. She wasn’t even my waitress; in fact, I was at the bar. We made eye contact while she was getting drinks for one of her tables and a little while later she came and sat next to me. Facing me, She said “I really like your shoes”, y’know, in that playful ‘now it’s your turn to compliment me’ tone? (I just bought new shoes and they is pretty bomb.) I looked at her and said…‘hi’. We both smiled at each other. Couple heartbeats went by as she looked me in the eye and waited for me to engage, and I sat there looking at her like I was being intimidated by a heavy mob figure, looming over me with contempt and threats. She said ‘well, have a good night’ got up and went back to her tables; the bartender rightfully shook his head disapprovingly while cleaning a glass. I have NO fucking game people, on a dating website or in person, so take everything I say here with that in mind.

Part 1

Dating sites are essentially digital pimps and they skeeve me right the fuck out. It’s tough to find authenticity on a dating site. I’ve signed up for a few of them since becoming spontaneously single a few months back, and although I’ve tried to keep hope alive…I’m starting to get a little frustrated with the culture therein. It’s been seven years since I’ve had to dip my toes in the dating pool, and now that I’m back, I’ve gotta say…. there’s a lot of kid piss in this pool.

I feel like women on the dating websites aren’t even reading my profile; they just look at my ugly mug, swipe left and move on to the handsome date rapist next in the photo succession. “Sure, he’s a Trump supporter, doesn’t have a job, and believes women should be barefoot and pregnant, but look at those abs….” Meanwhile, I say something innocuous like “all women are beautiful in their own way” and I get 300 messages saying “How dAaAaAaAaAare you!”

I’ve read a ton of articles over the past few months about how men should write their profile, and I have to say that I don’t agree with one of them. These articles are all written by super handsome men who could write a 4000-letter profile about the shit they took that morning, and all the women would send them a message saying “Wow, you’re really expressive; has anyone told you you look like Leo😊?” (heavy sigh/ pant / drip.) What these men write is inconsequential because women on dating sites want ‘hot’ or ‘cute’, because women are the new men.

As many women have complained about in the past, so have they become. They now seem to REQUIRE that their man be handsome. That’s some bullshit right there. When did THAT become a thing? I’ve been dating 10 years below my age and WAY above my aesthetic pay grade since I was 30, when I had NOTHING to offer a woman. Now, I actually have car insurance, and make a liveable wage and I’m being ignored like I’m wearing the cloak of dating invisibility; the fuck outta here. You wanna make more money than me? Great, have at it, you deserve it and I’ll support it. But dating? That’s not supposed to be an even playing field. Women are supposed to be introspective and look for qualities in a man that fit them emotionally; that’s like the WHOLE ‘vagina’ metaphor! Men are visual by nature; We have a dick and wanna knock things over; you flip that dynamic and I’m fucked. All I’ve got is personality. I’ve got personality for dayz, son, DAYZ.

I can’t even brag about my successes on dating sites because women don’t give a fuck. They want a man who respects THEIR independence while no longer giving credit to me for somehow crawling out of my mother’s basement and getting a job that doesn’t have the word ‘burger’ in its title; it’s like I did that just for ME and NOT to impress women. What am I, some kind of monster?

Part 2

Let’s be honest, some women on dating sites should NOT be as judgmental as they are. And I know you’re thinking the same of men, and you’re most likely right. There are probably WAY more pantamimes that give away male dochebaggery on the internet. So go write your own fucking blog about it, this is mine so you’re gonna get a little shit on your fingers; sorry, not sorry.

Maybe the most frustrating personality trait making the rounds in the female dating website profile, is pretention. Sweet Zombie Jesus, some of these profiles are more pretentious than the diary of a 13-year-old girl on her first trip to Paris. I mean, I’m glad that you travelled across the globe by the age of 12, but what does that do for me? That tells me nothing about you. I don’t want to ‘read’ about your stories of sleeping under the stars outside of the Parthenon or that you went to 47 countries in the last 17 minutes; this isn’t a Ken Burns documentary; you’re monologuing when this shit needs to be interactive. Those stories are for people who are ON a date or dat-ING; let’s get there first.

Some profiles don’t even sound like ladies really want to meet a guy online. I mean, if you wear glasses, ride a bike to the vegetable stand, have 17 cats, ‘only’ listen to vinyl and say things like “I don’t need a man to complete me”?; then go fuck the guy who wears Birkenstocks and cargo shorts at the trendy vegan coffee bar of the upscale Chicago neighborhood you live in. Why are you wasting my time on the internet? You don’t wanna go out with me and I represent the majority, alright Shailene Woodley?

“I want a man who’ll go on bike rides with me!” Look, I don’t ride a bike. . .EVER! I’m a grown ass man and drive a car. If a human being is over the age of 16 and rides a bike anywhere but in their living room? They’re an entitled asshole. These trim pricks ride their bikes IN FRONT of me while I’m driving. I can’t stand the Toyota Carola that’s doing 30 in a 45, now I’m behind Lance Armstrong up here, on a ‘Schwinn Lookatme’ going 15 AND stopping at fucking yellow lights! Get on the sidewalk, or get out of my fucking way. Here’s the thing, If I hit YOU with my car while you’re riding your little bi-cycle on the street, you’re going to die and I’m going to go to jail. If YOU hit a pedestrian while riding your toy on the sidewalk, he’s going to rightfully call you a prick and you’ll both go on your way. But that’s not what the bike riders want. They want to be SEEN by as many people as possible because they’re attention whores. What’s that? You ride a bike and you’re not an attention whore? Then why are you dressed in skintight spandex with a Death Star Gunner helmet on? You look like a sheathed cock. And riding a bike is NOT exercise. You pump the pedal 3 times and then SIT for half a mile, coasting along on your douche mobile. Fucking bikes.

With the cats and the vegetables too. Look, vegetables are what my food eats and cats? Fuck your fucking cat. That’s right, I said it. Fuck your fucking cat in its pretentious, judgmental, stuck up, pink puckered asshole. If you died in your home tonight, the police would find your cat eating your bloated corpse tomorrow. The only reason a cat rubs up against your leg is because you feed it. That’s it. Not because it likes you, not because you named it a cute name like Mr. Meowmington or Felix Whiskerpuss, but because it wants to eat. If you didn’t have hands and someone kept you locked up in an apartment all day, you’d rub up against their legs for some processed horse flesh too. Plus, cats don’t even have enough respect for you to shit outside. They shit in a box in your home; why is this OK?

It’s not that I don’t like cats…well, they’re not my favorite; but I DO own a cat. Why? He was abandoned by my ex-girlfriend who took the dog but left the cat. My problem with cats is that I’m sick and tired of having to lie and say that that your cat is cute! “I want a man who doesn’t lie to me and is honest”, that’s you. Then we go on a date, wind up back at your place and you shove your cat in my face and say “Isn’t he just precious?” and I have to lie and say he IS while politely trying to back away so one of its poo-pee-paws that’s been stomping around in piss & shit clumps doesn’t touch my face, and BOOM! We start off on a bullshit foot. If I AM honest and say your cat is disgusting, I’ll wind up in the friction-burn groin ward at Christ Hospital because NOT liking cats will turn your vagina into the Tatooine Desert where you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. God forbid your cat scratches me with that shit-paw and gives me the sepsis. You point that cat at me and you might have to catch these hands, fam.

Part 3

Men should NOT be giving advice to other men about how to write a profile for a dating website. WOMEN should be giving men advice on how to write a profile for a dating site, and vice versa. So, in that spirit, here is some advice I have for women to keep in mind when writing their profile:

Don’t say you’re ‘sarcastic’. I don’t know if there’s a sadder humblebrag than claiming a trait that is directly contradicted by everything else in your summary. “I’m sarcastic and have a very special relationship with Jesus” …well, ONE of those things is definitely not true; or “I like to be sarcastic so you better be able to handle that” First of all, who told you men like a sarcastic woman? I mean I’ll WATCH Rosanne, but I’m not gonna go on a date with her. Second, and more importantly; No, you don’t like to be sarcastic. Here’s a test of your sarcasm: If you’re not laughing your ass off right now while reading this? You don’t have a sarcastic bone in your body. THIS is sarcasm and if your face is red from anger while reading it, you should be editing your profile instead of sending ME scathing retorts about what an asshole I am. I KNOW what an asshole I am.

Don’t be 22 and tell us that Goddard is your favorite film director; you’re too young to be that pretentious, you know nothing about Godard and frankly at 22, you don’t know shit about shit.

Next, don’t tell us not to message you if we’re looking for sex. . .we’re all looking for sex. Even you. It’s the endgame of all internet dating. It’s not something I expect on the first or even the second date, but it is something that I’d like to have on a continuous basis with the same woman, and if you haven’t gotten the memo? IT’S OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX! In fact, I’d call it a necessity in any relationship. It’s the 21st century for fucks sake. And speaking of that, quit saying that you don’t want to have sex in big ass capital letters. Here’s an example which was the first line of a woman’s profile I recently saw: ***IM NOT HERE LOOKING FOR SEX, I DON’T NEED THE INTERNET FOR THAT*** next line? I’d like to meet a man who considers my needs and who wants to be in a relationship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, with the mixed messages? Look, sex is synonymous with being in a relationship and if you don’t need the internet to get laid, then you certainly don’t need it to be in a relationship so get the fuck off of my obstacle Pyle! GET THE FUCK OFF MY OBSTACLE! (You get points if you know what that’s from).

If you’re an alterna-chick type (Goth, punk, emo, whatever), that’s fine, I’m into it; but don’t tell me that you’re evil because you cast spells and have a “Hello Kitty” tattoo. I fucking KA-HATE (sometimes ‘hate’ needs a hard open) women who brag that they’re evil or proudly say things like: “You should really watch out because I’m a bitch.” And then there’s nothing in reality that backs up their statement. And even if there was proof of their bitchery. . .WHY would I now want to date you after learning that you’re such a bitch? Just because nobody likes you doesn’t mean you’re evil. You’re a dumbass, not Harley Quinn. Also, I don’t even need to LOOK at a picture; if you say you’re a bitch, the door greeter at Wal-Mart more than likely calls you by your first name.

There is NOTHING more annoying than a profile that is unreadable because you’re too lazy to use spell-check. How are YOU going to tell ME what I have to be like in order to date you when you can’t even SPELL ‘well educated’? I saw a profile recently which stated: “I’m look for man with bicok” I’ll assume ‘bicok’, means ‘big cock’? ‘Bicok’ could mean ‘serial killer’ in Dutch for all I know. If you don’t know HOW to ask, how the fuck do I know WHAT you’re asking? And here’s a BIG hint ladies: men don’t like women who yell. That’s not sexist, that’s common sense. AND WHEN YOUR ENTIRE POST IS WRITTEN IN CAPS IT SOUNDS LIKE YELLING IN OUR HEADS. So stoppit. (I actually AM yelling in this blog which is why I use caps a lot)

I don’t mind if you have a kid or 2 (like anyone’s looking for my approval), but another profile I read recently stated ‘I’m a 22 year old mother of 4, looking for a husband’ (Picking on the 22 year olds…). WHAT? Are you kidding me? Twenty-two? What are the odds that all those kids have the same father? CALM DOWN Quadro mom. What happened to just ‘I’d like to go on a date and see what happens’. When you tell me that you want someone to take care of your caravan of children, what’s my incentive? Basically, what you’ve conveyed to me is that some guy got to fuck you at least FOUR times, that we know of, probably when you were hot, and now you’re looking for someone to deal with your wailing bar accidents. You keep spawning like a tribble and you’re gonna break your vagina bone.

Just by that profile, I know everything I need to know about this woman. She doesn’t have enough self-confidence to tell someone to put a Jim hat on. She doesn’t think about consequences (That’s a veiled abortion joke), and she doesn’t consider solutions (Less veiled). Not to mention the fact that I don’t want to put my dork in a moist hole that 8 tiny eyeballs have passed through like the Goonies on a mudslide in search of treasure. It’s a vagina, not a clown car for Chrissake; alright Michelle Duggar?

Some women on dating websites even have profiles that say: ‘looking for someone to spend my life with’. WHAT? I want to be in a long-term relationship, I do. But for now, I just want to throw a few burgers down your throat, listen to some music, and maybe make out on my couch for an hour; how bout we get through that and we’ll see what happens? Don’t put so much expectation and pressure on a complete stranger before we’ve even met…ON A DATING WEBSITE. There are other ways to convey that you’re not here for a ‘hook-up’, rather than demanding life-long devotion out of the gate.

And I don’t know if you’re trying to trick me, but don’t have your profile picture be of YOU within a group of women because which one is you? What am I, Kreskin over here? Unless stated otherwise, I’ll just ALWAYS assume you’re the least attractive one in the group.

What’s with you putting up profile pics of you with hot guys? Some of these guys are so hot, I’d rather go on a date with them than you. I see a hot guy standing next to you and I just move on because I’m certainly not that fucking hot and I figure, why would you want to downgrade? By putting up that picture, you’ve denied yourself of all that I am.

Stop thinking you’re a unique individual snowflake, when you all say the same EXACT things. There’s no individuality in internet dating. I read one profile in which the profiler said: “people say I’m very unique because I listen to Metallica” How the fuck is that unique? Metallica’s been around since 1985, dummy; their fan base is in the billions! Another profile I read said: “I’m like a tree and every tree is different. . .” No. No, they’re not. There’re a gigidybazillion trees in the world and they’re all just oxygen whores. The only way in which you resemble a tree is that you’re about as interesting as one.

Here’s a real statistic: there are 97 THOUSAND women on named ‘chitowngirl/gurl/grrl’ or some derivation thereof, and 99 percent of them have a profile picture of them in the observation booth of the Sears Tower (Willis Tower, whatever) or in front of some kind of wings. The other one percent are at a Hawks game. If I went on a date with ONE of these girl/gurl/grrl’s, I could just as well have gone on a date with ANY of them. I’d rather die alone than end up in a vagina clone war.

These cookie-cutter carbon copies all say the same things like “Looking for a partner in crime.” No, you’re not. If you were looking for a partner in crime, you’d be the least bit interesting and I’d consider going on a crime spree with you. What you’re looking for is someone to watch “Gilmore Girls” with you. “Bucket List: Falling in love.” Nope. That’s not what a bucket list is for, you’re using the bucket list wrong. A bucket list is for ‘events’ that you want to complete before you die, not emotional baggage you want to shove in someone else’s carry-on compartment. “I want to change someone’s life for the better.” Then open a fucking soup kitchen. I mean, most of these should just say “I want a pony and to be a princess.” These are NOT real things that men can relate to

And in conclusion. . .I’ve seen this on MORE than one occasion, but the instance that sticks in my mind was with an attractive blond woman named Tammi or Bambi or some shit that ended in an ‘I’ on Tinder. I saw the first photo of her in front of a mirror with her tits crammed together like Japanese subway riders at 7 in the morning, smiling at herself for the camera, and my penis poked his head out for a look. Then I clicked on the next picture and she was wearing a tight shirt and making a kissy face at the mirror; my dick stood up a bit more, perhaps even seeing his shadow. Then I clicked ‘forward’ and the NEXT picture featured a ten-year-old boy in a Nickleback t-shirt with one leg, on a swing above a caption which read: “Jeremy: God’s gift” and my dick melted like ice cream on a freshly asphalted street in Arizona in June. Not only did my dingus sink like the titanic but my mind filled with questions. It’s like all the blood rushed out of my cock and back up into my brain; why does that kid only have one leg? Why is his name ‘Jeremy’? Why did you take him to a Nickleback concert Tammi? AND WHY THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HIM IN YOUR PROFILE PICTURES!?!?! Tammi over there made her amputee child third in a potential masturbatory succession line, forever denying him a father figure as NOBODY but pederasts are gonna be contacting Tammi. So, STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF YOUR DAMN KIDS IN YOUR DATING PROFILES! You wanna tell us you have a kid, that’s fine, but there’s no need to share a photo with complete strangers whose intentions are questionable at best… Got it? good.

Part 4

So, for those of you looking to meet a man? Know that we want to know about YOU; your fears, your desires, something that shaped you into the ACTUAL unique woman that you are today. Not this cookie cutter ‘Multiplicity’ bull shit that every other woman squeezes out. Tell us why your last boyfriend was a dick, give us a REALISTIC view of what you want from a man; tell us your turn ons & turn offs, tells us something positive AND negative about YOU. You don’t have to make yourself sound like Mother Theresa, or recite a travel diary for Christ’s sake. Have some humility, we all have flaws, but I like it when a woman is self-aware enough to, not only see the flaws within herself, but can be honest enough to admit them and laugh about them.

Guys don’t like a woman who’s ‘perfect’ and having a ‘perfect’ life, not because we’re mean, but because we like to feel that we can contribute or affect your life in a positive way. It’s not arrogance, or sexism, it’s an insecurity that many of us don’t even realize we have. You need to know that if you’re looking for a long-term relationship on a dating website. When you say everything is perfect? There’s nothing for us to fix, and we fix things. . .that’s what we do.

The Ghost of Rod Serling: A word to the wise now, to the relationship seekers of the world; those looking for a date, or something more. To everyone who would try to coax a miracle from an unlikely website. Check that summary you’re about to post; review that photograph. Use your own words in all things and the profile you save might be your own. Case in point, Mr. Michael Hempen, fresh from the briefest of trips…into The Friend Zone.

The End

Deleted Scenes

Deleted Scene 1:

If you consider following my suggestions, I promise to not do the following:

I will not send you pictures of my hog (Believe me, you don’t want it.)

I will not send you a message that only says “Hey” or “Hi”

I will try not to misspell easy words in my profile

I will not say creepy things like “Do you like eggs?”, “I can smell that you’re menstruating”, or “Why don’t pineapples have a peel like bananas?”

Be a douchebag!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: