And now, because YOU demanded it, another THRILLING installment of:

“Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!”

Brought to you by the council of “Fantasizing About Ten Whoppers On Mayonnaise Encrusted Nutterbutters” or F.A.T.W.O.M.E.N.

I would never suggest that freedom of speech be taken away from anyone, especially on a forum like the internet. Your opinion is just as valid as mine, and you should be able to go online and bitch about what you choose, worship who you choose, and voice your masturbational preferences. However, saying that you weigh 118 pounds, when you really weigh 318 pounds is NOT an opinion…it’s a fucking lie and it serves no other purpose other than wasting my god damned time.

People lie about all kinds of things when they meet in the real world, but the ONE thing you can’t lie about face to face is what you look like. Sure you can tell me you have a thyroid problem, but then I can counter that lie with the fact that I have a disorder called FCI: Fat Chick Impotence.

When heavy women lie they fuck it up for the next chick. Women who lie about their looks on the internet piss me off, but the other day I came across something that pissed me off even more.  I was reading the posts in the ‘women seeking men’ section of Craigslist, when I came across one where a woman was lying FOR her friend. This post, with its patronizing tone and passive aggressive rambling, made me want to beat the shit out of Craig for listing it.

The post was titled ‘COME ON GUYS!’, and started with a woman telling us that she’s married, but doesn’t understand why the men seeking women on CL haven’t hooked up with her friend. She went on to tell us, without spelling 2 words correctly, what a nice person her friend was (fat), how she loves going out to dinner (fat), and that she’s available 24/7 to meet the right guy (fat).

The body of her post went on to harp on ME, as a man, for being too shallow and narrow minded to find the lovely person trapped inside the body of a whale. Then she scolded men for asking to see a picture of their potential date. She wrapped up her little ‘hook up’ fantasy by trying to guilt me into giving this big bitch a chance. Well, FUCK YOU!

So I wrote this little response to her, and I hope that you enjoy it:

Dear, you fucking dirt bag,

listening to you ramble incoherently makes me want to staple bagels to my face. That poor husband of yours…what he must endure.

Are certain keys missing from your keyboard or are you missing fingers? I haven’t seen spelling like this since Tarzan came back to Greystoke Castle. At first I thought I was reading a third graders homework. I imagine that you’re the type of person who is more comfortable writing their ‘R’s backwards in crayon. How does a legally retarded person get a marriage license, anyway?

I assume that at this point in your marriage, ‘doggy style’ to your husband means whimpering at the bedroom door and peeing on himself a little when you scold him, because if he were a real man, he’d have taught you how to shut the fuck up by now.

Look, in response to your post, it’s obvious that your friend doesn’t want to do this and you’re pushing her into it so that you can live some kind of sick fantasy THROUGH her. The problem is that…IT’S AN INTERNET FANTASY!! At least, push her into something less humiliating that you can live through, like midnight bowling, or ordering IN at a fast food place instead of using the drive through.

So here you are shoving this fatty on us and laying a guilt trip out that Shatner couldn’t sell on ‘Priceline’. Why is it so wrong to ask for a picture? What you need to realize talky, is that men are generally ‘visual’ creatures and women are ‘mental’ creatures. If you haven’t figured this out by now, maybe you should seriously reconsider giving advice to anybody. It sounds to me like you have sour grapes up your ass because you couldn’t get The Grimace over there a date.

And what kind of friend ARE you anyway? They recently prosecuted a man who shot a woman in the face, a woman who went to meet him because she answered a post on Craigslist!!! Is this whole thing some passive aggressive way of trying to get rid of your friend? Are you just jealous that she might be enjoying her single life while you’re stuck in a loveless dead relationship where church shoes are now more important than rim jobs? Fuck you. You’re a horrible person.

I say get over YOURSELF, and leave your friend alone. The reason she’s not meeting anyone is because ‘good intentioned’ friends like YOU, give her low self esteem by putting her on this site like a fucking worm on a hook. Let the bitch be. She’ll meet someone when she’s ready, SHE will put herself out there and find the man that’s right for her. Hopefully she’s smart enough to realize that it won’t happen on fucking Craigslist…mainly because bitches like YOU screw it up for the ones who are deserving of a GOOD date by pissing off guys like me who can give one.

Look, I don’t mind that your friend is a fucking fatty, but if you’re too stupid to just come out and admit that in the body of your post, DON’T treat me like I’m a drooling idiot who can’t figure it out through simple deductive reasoning. You can’t say things like ‘men are assholes for wanting to see a picture of my friend’, and expect me NOT to think that this woman is a fucking hippo.

You should thank your fucking stars that you found a man stupid enough to put up with your douchebaggery. I can ONLY hope that you haven’t bred, because between HIS block-headed idiocy of not being able to see through your transparent harpy cuntish demeanor, and YOUR general lack of intelligence (you spelled ‘the’ wrong, for chrissake: it’s not ‘te’), those kids don’t stand a fucking chance.

Now go do some serious shutting the fuck up.

Now, I know that response may have seemed harsh, but fuck her. The only thing that pisses me off MORE than a nagging, self entitled bitch is one who can’t fucking spell.

I have nothing against her friend, and I wish her the best, but I only hope that she ‘nuts’ up and tells this lunatic hag to mind her own fucking business. If you’re going to have someone try to ‘hook you up’, have them do it in a bar, NOT on the internet. You should be able to navigate the internet by yourself Magellan.

Thank you for tuning in to another vainglorious episode of:

“Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!”


Watch for MORE thrilling installments of “Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!” every Wednesday and Friday on!