And now it’s time for a very special flare-up of

“Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!”

Tonight’s special episode brought to you by ‘Porn’. ‘PORN’: a planetary institution ever since the first hominids drew pictures of tiny dicks on the walls of caves, ‘Porn’: It’s what’s for masturbating to!

Hello, and welcome to a very special episode of “Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!” wherein I give the reading audience a more in depth response to a more general base of the internet dating world.

I’ve been a part of nearly every form of dating website possible. From J-date (even though I’m not Jewish), OK cupid (even though I’m not retarded), and Craigslist (even though I don’t think I’m insane), and I’ve noticed some disturbing trends on all of them. So, I’m going to address the female internet dating pool directly here by saying some things that aren’t going to be very nice. If you are NOT currently a member of a dating website and DON’T post on Craigslist pretending that you don’t just want some dick, I would ask that you pass this plea on to your girlfriends who are. Also, I apologize in advance, and I ask that when you ladies read the words that are about to be spewed at you from my blog, please know that I’m saying them in the nicest possible fashion. Consider them ‘constructive critiques’ that you can learn from and imagine me in a tuxedo with a rose on my lapel, my hair’s all combed back and parted as if by a tree saw, I have a big smile on my face and I just said something that made you all feel very beautiful…ok, ready?

WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!? SWEET zombie JESUS, you have to be the most narcissistic, childish, self absorbed, judgmental, aggrandizing, passive aggressive, unrealistic, talky bitches to have ever darkened the pages of the internet. Save some for the conversation will ya?I mean, why not share a little bit about yourself in your profile and then fill me in on the rest when we talk one on one so I can come to the conclusion that you’re IN-FUCKING-SANE after we’ve actually communicated. When you tell me you’re crazy right up front, I have no desire to talk to you; bait and switch, bitches, bait and switch. Most of your profiles read like doctor’s notes from a mental ward. I half expect that all of you fit in the time to write these profiles in between wearing plastic slippers and playing tic-tac-throw before chain-smoking a pack of Basic Menthols and going to a group therapy session.

If you wear glasses, ride a bike to the vegetable stand, have 17 cats, and only listen to vinyl? Go fuck the guy who wears Birkenstocks and cargo shorts in the trendy vegetarian coffee bar of the upscale Chicago neighborhood you live in. Why are you wasting my time on the internet? You don’t wanna fuck me and I represent the majority. Most dating sites are for guys who want to meet women whom we actually have a shot with. The only way most of you would date me is if I rescued kittens on a unicycle while listening to shitty bands that nobody but YOU has ever heard of on my iPod. I can’t afford an IPod, so go fuck yourself.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t ride a fucking bike…EVER! I’m a grown ass man and drive a car. If you’re over the age of 16 and ride a bike? You’re an asshole. Vegetables are what my food eats, and cats? Fuck your fucking cat.

That’s right, fuck your fucking cat in its pretentious, judgmental, stuck up pink puckered asshole. If you own a cat you are either A.) a sad and hefty spinster with no self worth or B.) delusional, because you don’t realize that your cat doesn’t give a shit about you (see A.) If you died in your home tonight, the police would find your cat eating your bloated corpse tomorrow. The only reason it rubs up against your leg is because you feed it. That’s it. Not because it likes you, not because you named it a cute name like Mr. Meowmington or Felix Whiskerpuss, but because it wants to eat. If you didn’t have hands and someone kept you locked up in an apartment all day, you’d rub up against their legs for some processed horse flesh too. Plus, cats don’t even have enough respect for you to shit outside. They shit in a box in your home; why does nobody realize how fucking nasty that is?

Why do I have such mean things to say about your cat? It’s because I’m sick and fucking tired of having to lie and say that your cat is cute! I HATE YOUR FUCKING CAT! “I want a man who doesn’t lie to me and is honest”, that’s you. Then you shove your cat in my fucking face and say “Isn’t he just precious?” and I have to lie to you and say he IS while politely trying to back away so one of its paws that’s been stomping around in piss clumps doesn’t touch my face, otherwise I won’t get to park my skin boat in tuna bay and BOOM! The relationship starts on a bullshit foot. So my answer to your query is: NO! He’s a fucking cat! NO man likes your cat. If a man honestly tells you that he likes your cat? He’s a gay. There’s nothing wrong with that but you’re barking up the wrong tree because he’s queer as a three dollar bill. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wearing a turtleneck sweater when he tells you how wonderful your cat is, because he’s a homosexual. Nobody likes your cat but you and maybe your roommate, but only because she bounces between mopey, angry, and bitter all day like you.

Jesus, with the cats and the bikes and the vegetables on these dating sites.

Let’s move on. The most common ‘trait’ I’ve seen in your profiles is “I like to be sarcastic so you better be able to handle that” First of all, who told you bitches men like a sarcastic woman? I mean I’ll WATCH Rosanne, but I’m not gonna go on a date with her. Second, and more importantly; No, you don’t like to be sarcastic. Here’s a test of your sarcasm: If you are not laughing your ass off right now while reading this? You don’t have a sarcastic bone in your body. THIS is sarcasm and if your face is red from anger while reading it, you should be editing your profile instead of sending ME scathing retorts about what an asshole I am. I KNOW what an asshole I am.

And while I’m on that note, you all think that you’re a unique individual snowflake, but you all say the same fucking things. You got the ‘flake’ part down pat though, I’ll tell ya that. Other than your job, which is mostly stuff that I’d rather throw myself off of a building than have to walk into each day, you’re carbon copies of one another. Sometimes when I read your profiles I feel like I’ve stumbled into the movie “Multiplicity” starring Michael Keaton; Only it’s called ‘Vaginaplicity’ and it stars YOU (and you and you and you and you). I read one profile in which the profiler said: “people say I’m very unique because I listen to Metallica” How the fuck is that unique? Metallica’s been around since 1985 you dipshit, they’ve sold hundreds of millions of albums to hundreds of millions of lemmings JUST like you. Follow them off a cliff and get the fuck outta here, will ya? Another profile I read stated: “I’m like a tree and every tree is different…” Yes, they are, but compared to one another there is NOTHING UNIQUE ABOUT A FUCKING TREE! There’re a gigidybazillion of them in the world and they’re all just oxygen whores. The only way in which you resemble a tree is that you’re about as interesting as one. You might as well have said “I’m like an asshole and every asshole puckers up differently…”

Another thing I’ve noticed about you dating website women is that if I’m not into everything you are 100 percent, you want nothing to do with me. I’m sorry, but I’ve never heard of ‘Penny Derby Roller Ball Curmdgeoning’ and frankly it sounds silly and ignorant. If you meet a guy in a bar and open the conversation with that? He’s gonna tell you to go fuck yourself, no matter how hot you are.

That being said, you’re not hot enough to be this judgmental. Hot chicks meet guys at bars; and don’t give me that “I don’t have time to meet a guy at a bar” shit. You’re as delusional as one of those cat ladies if you think I’m buying that. And even if you are hot enough to meet a guy in a bar, you have some issue that prevents you from doing it; whether it’s because you have some right wing agenda, you have trust issues because you were squat humped by the good humor man when you were a kid, you don’t eat meat, you ride a bike, or you own one or more fucking cats (which again…fuck your fucking cat). There’s SOME issue that prevents you from feeling comfortable enough to meet men in the outside world, in a possible dating scenario, so you come on MY dating websites and are just as loathsome a human being as you would be in real life. Then I come along trying to be sweet, TRYING to start a conversation with you that begins with more than just “hi” or “hey”, you look at my profile pics which feature a man without washboard abs and head for ZE hills. Why should I bother having a profile at all? None of you bitches read past “Photo 1”.

And if I do get blessed by a response from you, you take everything I say WAY too fucking seriously. I have to be all kinds of fake sweet, kind, and gentle on dating websites because without the gift of verbal inflection, YOU take everything I say as ME being an asshole. And god fucking forbid I ask if you’d like to talk on the phone as I’m made to feel as if I just asked to lick your asshole. But on the other side of that I’m supposed to read your shitty profile and be impressed because you have a flat stomach…fuck you, this is radio NOT TV. Who the fuck is YOU?

Also, say something interesting about yourself. I’m glad that you like your job and you make more money than Jesus headlining on a cruise ship, but don’t get all judgmental and say I can only respond to you if I like my job. I hate my fucking job. HATE IT! Most people do hate their jobs. I’m glad that you travelled across the globe by the age of 12, but I could give a shit about your stories of sleeping under the stars outside of the Parthenon. Those stories are for people who are already dating, when you tell me that before I even talk to you, it makes you sound more pretentious than the diary of a 13 year old girl on her first trip to Paris. I’m very excited for you that you have 12 cats, and I’m sure they’re all really cute (sarcasm, I feel I have to point it out now)…but that’s something you should keep to yourself. Let me find that out after I’ve put in the necessary care and effort to get invited to your place. When you tell me that now? The first thought that comes to my mind is “great, her pussy probably smells of ammonia”, and I hate to apologize again, but I’m sorry…I like a pussy to NOT smell of ammonia (fucking cats…)

Look, I’m sure all of your profiles would be great if you were all lesbians. I imagine this kind of narcissistic insanity and brain farting is what a woman looks for in another woman. But for those of you looking to meet a man? Tell us why your last boyfriend was a dick, give us a realistic view of what you want from a man, and tell us something just awful and shitty about yourself. You don’t have to make yourself sound like Mother Theresa for Christ’s sake. Have some humility, we’ve all done something shitty in life, to ourselves and to others, but I like it when a woman is self aware enough to, not only realize she did something shitty, but can be honest enough with herself AND me to admit it. Guys don’t like a woman who’s having a perfect life, not because we’re mean, but because we like to feel that we can contribute or affect your life in a positive way. When you say everything is perfect? There’s nothing for us to fix, and we fix things…that’s what we do.

Most of you woman on these sites don’t even sound like you’re trying to meet a man. Your profile is nothing but you blathering on as if answering questions asked by a school guidance counselor; so I’m going to give you some advice:

First of all, don’t be 22 and tell us that Goddard is your favorite director; you’re too young to be that pretentious. Also, for the young of vag out there, just SAY “I don’t like anal sex” NOT “I FEEL like I don’t like anal sex”, that fat nekkid chick from “Girls” has started an annoying trend with chicks saying “I feel” in front of everything. Next, don’t tell us not to respond if we’re looking for sex…we’re all looking for sex. Even you. It’s not something I expect on the first or even the second date, but it is something that I’d like to have on a continuous basis with the same woman, and if you haven’t gotten the memo? IT’S OK TO TALK ABOUT SEX! It’s the 21st century for fucks sake. And speaking of that, quit saying that you don’t want to have sex in big ass capital letters. Here’s an example which was the first line of a woman’s profile I recently saw: ***IM NOT HERE LOOKING FOR SEX, I DON’T NEED THE INTERNET FOR THAT*** next line? I’d like to meet a man who considers my needs and who wants to be in a relationship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, with the mixed messages? Look, sex is synonymous with being in a relationship and if you don’t need the internet to get laid, then you don’t need it to be in a relationship so get the fuck off of my obstacle Pyle! GET THE FUCK OFF MY OBSTACLE! (You get points if you know what that’s from).

If you’re an alterna-chick type (Goth, punk, emo, whatever), that’s fine; but don’t tell me that you’re evil because you cast spells and have a “Hello Kitty” tattoo. I fucking HATE women who brag that they’re evil or proudly say things like: “You should really watch out because I’m a bitch.” And then there’s nothing in reality that backs up their statement. And even if there was proof of their bitchery…WHY would I now want to date you after learning that you’re a cunt? Just because nobody likes you doesn’t mean you’re evil. You’re a dumbass, and not even an evil dumbass at that. Also, I don’t even need to LOOK at a picture; if you say you’re a bitch, you’re a fatty too and the door greeter at Wal-Mart more than likely calls you by your first name. Scarring your many fathered children for life because you yell at them to stop doing their homework and fetch mama’s Ding Dong’s is NOT something you should be bragging about on a fucking dating website you abortionally challenged cum dumpster.

There is NOTHING more annoying to me than a profile that is unreadable because you’re too lazy to use spell-check. How are YOU going to tell ME what I have to be like in order to date you when you can’t even SPELL ‘well educated’? I saw a profile which stated at one point: “I’m look for man with bicok” I’ll assume ‘bicok’, means ‘big cock’? ‘Bicok’ could mean ‘serial killer’ in Dutch for all I know. If you don’t know HOW to ask, how the fuck do I know WHAT you’re asking? And here’s a BIG hint ladies. Men don’t like women who yell. AND WHEN YOUR ENTIRE POST IS WRITTEN IN CAPS IT SOUNDS LIKE YELLING IN OUR HEADS WHEN WE READ IT. So fuckin’ stoppit. (I actually AM yelling in this blog which is why I use caps a lot)

I don’t mind if you have a kid or 2, but another profile I read recently stated ‘I’m a 22 year old mother of 4, looking for a husband’. WHAT? Are you kidding me? Twenty two? What are the odds that all those kids have the same father? CALM the fuck DOWN Quadromom. What happened to just ‘I’d like to go on a date and see what happens’. When you tell me that you want someone to take care of your caravan of children, what’s my incentive? Basically what you’ve conveyed to me is that some guy got to fuck you at least FOUR times, that we know of, while you were hot, and now you’re looking for someone to deal with your wailing bar accidents. Fuck you. You keep spawning like a tribble and you’re gonna break your vagina bone.

Just by that profile, I know everything I need to know about her. She doesn’t have enough self confidence to tell someone to put a Jim hat on. She doesn’t think about consequences, and she doesn’t consider solutions. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want to put my dork in a moist hole that 8 tiny eyeballs have passed through like the Goonies on a mudslide in search of treasure. It’s a vagina, not a clown car for chrissake.

Some women on dating websites even have profiles that say: ‘looking for someone to spend my life with’. WHAT? I just want to throw a few burgers down your throat, listen to some music, and maybe make out on my couch for an hour hon, how bout we get through that and we’ll see what happens. Don’t put so much expectation on what could be a generally pleasant experience for the both of us.

And I don’t know if you’re trying to trick me, but don’t have your profile picture be of YOU within a group of women because which one is you? What am I, Kreskin over here? Unless stated otherwise, I’ll just ALWAYS assume you’re the least attractive one in the group.

Quit taking pictures of yourself in the mirror. Those pics tell men a million things about you that YOU don’t realize you’re telling us. First of all, if you’re looking UP into a camera only revealing your face and boobs? You’re a fatty. We KNOW you’re a fatty, so just take a full body shot and be fucking honest. Secondly, you don’t have any friends. You can’t find a friend to take a picture of you? Well then you have the personality of a roof shingle and nobody likes you. Why should we?

Let’s stop here for a moment while we’re on the subject of photographs…I’ve seen this on MORE than one occasion, but the instance that sticks in my mind was with an attractive blond woman named Tammi or Bambi or Dildoi or some shit that ended in an ‘I’. I saw the first photo of her in front of a mirror with her tits crammed together like Japanese subway riders at 7 in the morning smiling at herself for the camera and my penis poked his head out for a look. Then I clicked on the next picture and she was wearing a tight shirt and making a kissy face at the mirror; my dick stood up a bit more, perhaps even seeing his shadow. Then I clicked ‘forward’ and the NEXT picture featured a ten year old boy in a Coldplay t-shirt with one leg on a swing above a caption which read: “Jeremy: God’s gift” and my dick melted like ice cream on a freshly asphalted street in Arizona in June. Not only did my dingus sink like the titanic but my mind filled with questions. It’s like all the blood rushed out of my cock and back up into my brain; why does that kid only have one leg? Why is his name ‘Jeremy’? Why did you take him to a Coldplay concert Tammi? AND WHY THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HIM IN YOUR PROFILE PICTURES!?!?! Tammi over there made her amputee child third in a masturbatory succession line, forever denying him a father figure as NOBODY but pederasts are gonna be contacting Tammi. So STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF YOUR GOD DAMNED KIDS IN YOUR DATING PROFILES! You wanna tell us you have a kid, that’s fine, but I don’t need to see what the shit I’m going to take later will look like while I’m picking out my dinner. Got it? good.

Don’t say you want a hot guy who’s funny. That man doesn’t exist. Guys are either fat and funny or hot and serious. Hot guys don’t have to be funny. You know how funny happens to a man? They got made fun of or beat up as a kid because they were fat and learned to be funny to either compensate or protect themselves. We have low self esteem, but we can make you pee yourself with laughter.

And lastly, don’t tell us you want us to be funny but get all offended when I say that yo mama is so black she leaves fingerprints on coal. Laugh a little, at others AND yourself. Life’s a joke…sometimes it’s not so bad to be the punch line.

If you consider bowing to my suggestions, I will in turn do the following:

I will not send you pictures of my dork

I will not send you a message that only sais “Hey” or “Hi”

I will try not to misspell easy words in my profile

I will not say creepy things like “Do you like eggs?”, “I can smell that you’re menstruating”, or “Why don’t pineapples have a peel like bananas?”

Thank you for tuning into a very SPECIAL episode of:

“Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!”

Watch for your regularly scheduled episodes of “Responses to Craigslist ‘Women Seeking Men’ Posts!” every Wednesday and Friday on generaldouchebaggery.com!