I feel like I should give a little explanation to the Hempenary for those of you who are new to my particular neurosis. The Hempenary is a work in progress. What you read here is not a complete Hempenary, nor do I think it will EVER be fully complete.

For the purposes of this blog, The Hempenary will act as a glossary of terms. I don’t claim that ALL of the terms here in were coined by me, and some are words or phrases which I’ve heard in life that Webster won’t dignify.

Please note that many if not all of the terms used in The Hempenary are highly offensive…but you’re on a site called ‘General Douchebaggery’, so what did you expect asshole?

As I said, it’s still a work in progress, so if you have any words or phrases that you don’t see here, and you think they would make an appropriate addition to the Hempenary, please feel free to
post them in the comments section.

By the way, my last name is Hempen if you didn’t catch that.

The Hempenary

The official dictionary of reference for douchebags everywhere!

1973 Dodge Dick (noun) – 1. A classic vehicle built in 1973 whose durable chassis and high powered engine was made to race at the Cuntingham Speedway 2. Other models of the same year include the ’73 Chevy Impenis, The ’73 Ford Puntang, and The ’73 Mercedes Bone

3 wheels, all day (phrase) – 1. The point at which a woman weighs up to or over 300 pounds and whose weight never fluctuates 2. A woman’s perpetual state of being over 300 pounds

Allergic to Pussy (phrase) – a man who has a strong aversion to a particular vagina, and whose friends cannot figure out why that aversion exists

Alterna-chick (noun) – a super hot thin girl with short black, red, or pink hair who wears tight black clothes, some sort of high soled shoe, and is oft times VERY disinterested in fucking ME

Ass Clowns (noun) – every man who played the bachelor on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, and most members of ‘Boys to Men’

Assholedness (adjective) – a man who is acting with, resulting from, or characteristic of the thoughtless, impetuous behavior of an asshole 

Assholery (noun) – irresponsible or dickish behavior

Ass man (noun) 1. The lisence plate that Kramer received by accident on Seinfeld 2. A man who’s gaze always falls to a woman’s ass before he assesses the rest of her body

Ass Piss (verb) – 1. An explosive discharge of diarrhea from one’s anus which is lacking of any solid chunks 2. A yellowish upside down geyser which will erupt from one’s asshole when sick 3. The name of my band in high school

Ass Wipery  (verb) – relating to or involved in any procedure regarding the wiping or general cleanliness of one’s ass crack

ATM (noun) – 1. an Automated teller machine 2. (verb) in porn, this is the term used to describe when a man removes his penis from a woman’s asshole and into the waiting mouth of a another woman i.e. ass to mouth

Bangover (noun) – A set of symptoms including but not limited to, a sore vagina, swollen mamory glands, and red hand prints on the ass of a slutty female that result from a night of debaucherous and lecherous drinking and Tom-fuckery

Bar Accident (noun) – an infant created by the coupling of two drunken assholes who just met that have neither means nor desire to see to its proper upbringing

Bar Dick (noun) – cute guys between the ages of 21 and 25 who don’t have to work at getting laid while at bars because women of that age see them in the same light that a retarded sees something shiney

Beer Goggles (noun) –  the organ of sight or light sensitivity in men which is responsible for converting fat chicks into fuckable chicks after a certain amount of beer has been ingested

Bicok (noun)– A misspelled word meaning any number of things, my first guess is ‘big cock’

Big bitch (noun) – 1. A frighteningly monstrous woman who is not only tall but round as well 2. A woman whose bad attitude is only outweighed by her ass fat

Bi partisan ship (?) – I still have NO idea and I STILL don’t care to learn

Biscuits (noun) – An 80’s term used when someone has been proven wrong, by shouting it at the end of the statement which has outted their mistake example: BISCUITS! This term has since been replaced with DAAAAAAAAAAAYMN!

Blackstravaganza (noun) – a large group of African Americans

Blanket Party (noun) – 1. A gathering of men in which four hold the intended target down with a blanket while the others repeatedly bash his torso with bars of soap swung in towels or socks 2. A very violent and somewhat gay gathering of men

The Boy Who Cried Pussy (A Hempen Fable) – any lonely man who tricks his friends into thinking he got some stank on his hang low

Bra (noun) – a Hawaiian term used by douchebags to address what they perceive to be a close male Hawaiian friend

Breasticles (noun) 1. Boobies 2. Ta-tas 3. Fun Bags

Bride-Grooming (noun) – the upkeeping of a woman’s crotchal area in which the pubic hair is shaved completely or left in the small shape of a heart, antelope, or landing strip

Bro (noun) – a term often misused in which a complete douchebag addresses what he perceives to be a close male friend

Bro-ham (noun) – A term used by an even BIGGER douchebag to address what he perceives to be a close male friend

Bro-mance (noun) – A non-sexual love affair between two men, especially a brief and intense one

A Bromsky (noun) – the act of placing ones mouth in a woman’s ample cleavage and making a zurbert while shaking one’s head back and forth; See also ‘Motorboat’

Brovah (noun) – a term used by Desmond on ‘Lost’ to address close friends

Cankles (noun) – the part of a heavy set womans leg where the leg fat morphs into the foot fat creating a Redwood Tree circumference where a normal person’s ankle would be

The Cape of Good Dick (noun) – located south of the Gulf of Clitoria (when done correctly), The Cape of Good Dick is a point of a man that juts out into a woman, especially of a decent length and a comforting girth

Cat Food and Ass (smell) – 1. An odor that is created when a man and a woman have vaginal intercourse 2. Cat food and ass is not detected immediately, however when one partner leaves the room and comes back, the odor is prevalent

Catnip for Black People (noun) – A restaurant or diner of whose clientele mainly consists of black people i.e. Red Lobster

Catnip for Pussy (noun) – an establishment or penis that draws women to it i.e. Vision Nightclub in Chicago or Scott Baio

Celtic Curse (noun) – A curse which afflicts the peni of Irish men to be below average in length        

Cheap floozy (noun) – 1. A thin yet wholly unattractive woman who frequents karaoke bars and other less savory joints in search of booze and dick 2. A vulgar and promiscuous woman who’s handy will only come at the cost of a mimosa

Chesticles (noun) – the often droopy part of  a male torso between the neck and the stomach, which hangs down causing a visible flap; and which the nipples point noticeably towards the ground covering the ribs and the organs that the ribs enclose

The Chick Mullet (noun) – 1. A woman’s haircut that conveys her general lack of interest in the way that she looks 2. Cropped short on the top and sides, but with lengthy flowing locks in back, this is the typical hairdo of a butch lesbian

Chicksionary (noun) – similar to The Ho-lodex but with names and phone numbers of who-erish women accompanied by unflattering details, i.e. “Wear a condom,” “Likes butt play,” and “Vagin-0-MITE!”

A Christmas Shit (noun) – A truly smelly gift that wafts about the house on Christmas morning

Cock Block (verb) – the act of one male impeding another’s trip to Vagina-Ville

Chubby Chaser (noun) – 1. a gentleman who prefers the company of large women 2. A tubby vagina, taken with or after one of a smaller and more aesthetically pleasing nature e.g. fucking Rosanne Barr after Scarlett Johanson

Clit diving (verb) – to jump or throw yourself into a clitoris, usually head first, with the intention of performing some back arching cunnilingus

A Clitoral Bonanza (noun) – 1. a nightclub or other such establishment which yields great vaginal success 2. An extremely desirable, perfectly proportioned, and often rare clit found while on a whisker hunt 

Cooter (noun) – 1. The county mechanic and an honorary Duke on the TV show ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ 2. Although I can’t imagine ANY scenario in which I might use this expression, cooter refers to a woman’s naughty bit

Cracker Parade (noun) – a large group of cracker ass crackers

Craptacular (adjective) – 1. A shit that is impressive or dramatic to look at or watch 2. A remarkably large, great, or speedy poop 3. A lavish dookey or fartistic production

Crazy-eyes (noun) – the creepy gaze of a whack-a-do

The Crazy River (noun) – a natural stream of craziness that flows through certain women and empties into a body of stupidity such as an insane lake or a whacky ocean

Creamed beef on toast (noun) – 1. Some sort of grayish gravy with chunks of what I assume is meat in it poured over toasted white bread 2. I really have no fucking clue; also referred to as ‘Shit on a Shingle’

Creeper (noun) – a quaint female term used to describe a man who does odd things, not necessarily TOWARDS them but around them, in a social setting i.e. a man who stares intently at an inanimate object while tugging on his earlobe or who flicks peanuts at an animal while grasping his package

Crossing Streams (verb) – The undertaking of two males, in the act of close quarter urination, in which they cross their pee streams

Cuntish Demeanor (noun) – The disposition of a woman in which she acts like a cunt

Cunty (adjective) – a man who is in the throes of a womanly temper tantrum example: Don’t be cunty

D.C.F.S. S.W.A.T Team (proper noun) – The Department of Children and Family Services Special Weapons and Tactics Team is a specialized branch of the DCFS that is called out to euthanize parents who are unfit and irresponsible in the care of children Examples: parents who bring children to a midnight showing of a rated R film, mothers who leave infants in cars to ‘run in’ and buy cigarettes, and father’s who spend more time beating their boys than teaching them to conduct themselves like men

Decorum Reflex (noun) – the dignity or good taste that is appropriate to a specific occasion, occurring automatically and involuntarily as a result of proper upbringing example: Farting loudly in church would show a diminished ‘decorum reflex’

D.P. (noun) – 1. Director of Photography 2. Double penetration

Dick Assumption (noun) 1. a dick that a woman believes is hers without proof 2. The act of a woman to take a dick upon herself without previous consent

Dick I.Q. test (noun) – 1. a measure of a man’s sexual intelligence, obtained by a woman through a passive aggressive series of penile aptitude tests concentrating on different aspects of sexual functioning Example: When a woman looks at your fingernails, she is determining if she wants those nasty things all up in her vagina 2. A Dick I.Q. score of 100 represents “average” sexual intelligence

Dick-vertising (noun) the public promotions of one’s penis in order to attract or increase interest in it

Dimwit (noun) – A woman of diminished intelligence who’s only form of discussion is through confrontational anger

Dingus (noun) – a very abrasive and often intellectually inferior penis

Dip (noun) – The person with whom a black man or woman is fucking, but not in a relationship with

Dooky (poo noun) – a pasty shit that lies somewhere between a solid and a liquid but still falls in the form of tiny chunks or pellets 2. A poop whose tremendous odor belies its tiny mass; see also ‘The Snoopy Sno-Cone Shit’

Double Gunt – (noun) a mammoth amount of fatty tissue that protrudes OVER the first gunt resembling two large fluffy couch cushions on top of one another also known as a lard sandwich

Douchebaggery (noun) – A general lack of all things sensible

Douche-chill (verb) – a sudden shuddering feeling of coldeness caused by fear, anxiety, or excitement brought on by a douchbag

Drop-Fuck (verb) – An illegal move in the world of fuckery in which one sexual partner attacks the others genitals by leaping into the air and striking their partners private parts with their own

Dropping a Deuce (verb) – A shit made of more length than girth that breaks in the middle due to weight or an unexpected sphincter clench, the second half of which is produced through some forceful pushing and contorted facial expressions

Dumper (noun) – An ass of any size, race, religion, or sexual orientation

D.V.C.S. (noun) – The Department of Vaginal and Coital Services is a sexually funded institution of which few comic book enthusiasts are afforded rights given to virile boner popping men under the ‘Atta Boy Act’, first introduced to congress by Bill Clinton in 1997

Emoticons (noun) – annoying little fucking smiley face things used by individuals who lack a coherent vocabulary

Ex-sex (noun) – an often hot and passionate sexual encounter with an ex lover

Eye-groping (noun) – a loving glance made at a womans breasts or buttocks that turns creepy when it goes on past 30 seconds

Face book thirty (noun) – The age at which a man turns on the internet when people start to notice that he’s been 29 for 7 years

Fat Chick (noun) – 1. A woman having a body weight greater than is considered desirable or advisable 2. A woman who is somewhere north of ‘heavy’ 3. 98% of the women who post on dating websites

Fat friend (noun) – 1. The beastly, ever present, and stalwart companion of a hot chick whose only goal is to slam the door of pussy on your genitalia 2. A girthy woman whose jealousy seeks to deprive her beautiful companion of the evening’s dick

Fat ripple (verb) – a convulsive wave of flesh that runs down the course of a fat woman’s body when displeased, much like a when a rhino stomps it’s foot before charging. 

Feeling Froggy (verb) – the act of an over-testosteroned male in which he feels the need to jump violently at the smallest provocation

Florida (noun) 1. the name of the actress who played the mother on ‘Good Times’ 2. A section of skin shaped like the handle of a cast iron cooking pan that extends away from the body it belongs to i.e. a dick

Forever hold (verb) – An aggressive act often made by a disgruntled retail employee, in which a person calling to ask dumb questions such as ‘what is your phone number there?’ is told to wait a moment and then is placed on hold never to be talked to again

Friskies (noun) – 1. A gathering of hot legal teenage girls, usually in a mall, who cavort and carry on in a spirited manner 2. A group of young ladies whose tight jeans are so low that one can see their who-ha popping out of the top

Fuckable (adjective) – 1. Not HOT, but not grotesque either 2. Will do in a pinch

Fucking one’s hand (masturbatory phrase) – 1. Masturbation at a quick steady pace 2. Masturbation wherein the masturbator keeps his fist at a fixed position while thrusting his penis into it repeatedly 3. Masturbation intended more for speed than comfort

The Fuck Point (noun) The point at which sex is a gaurenteed certainty Example: When a woman twirls her hair with her fingers while looking at a man and seductively sucks the pimento out of an olive, pussy is a foregone conclusion

Fugetaboutit (verb) – A term used mostly by Gumbahs meaning ‘don’t worry about it’ or ‘don’t give it another thought’.

The Friend Zone (noun) – 1. a place that men sometimes find themselves in with women, that is mysterious and cannot easily be explained 2. A destination in the female psyche of which a man can easily founder into by not giving a woman any reason to consider him a potential sexual partner i.e. not even trying to kiss her by the end of the second date 3. a horrible male-only dwelling where answers are vague, meanings are open to interpretation, and stupidity runs rampant 4. a quagmire of agonizing daily rejection, unrequited desire, and depression caused by indecision and missed opportunity

Gangsta Lean (verb) – 1. Intransitive verb when a car is in or moves to a position that is at an angle to the vertical due to the weight of a passenger or driver

Gazoongas (noun) – comically oversized titties often implanted when a woman’s attractiveness has hit the wall making her feel the need to draw a man’s gaze from her crows feet and laugh lines

Getting the Card Stamped (Phrase) – a term meaning that a man has been rejected by a woman,  like a traveling salesman who gets his passport stamped at many airports without success of selling his product example: DAMN! She stamped the SHIT outta your card!

Getting the Christmas Goose Early (phrase) – Pinching someone’s ass during the holiday season is considered giving them their Christmas goose early

Getting some Stank on your Hang-low (verb) – the act made when a man’s penis is placed inside of a woman’s vagina

Getting some strange (phrase) – 1. A random sexual encounter with a hot chick met in a bar 2. Not to be confused with ‘Poking some peculiar’

Getting Tapped Out (verb) – the act of one man, in the throes of an MMF threesome, hitting the other lightly more than once, informing him of his desire for imminent sloppy seconds

Ghetto pass (noun) – a very rare declaration made by a black man or woman giving permission to a specific white man to use the word nigger when he has proven beyond doubt that he is not oppressive or racist in any way

Glowering Cow (noun) –a fat chick who looks at somebody or something with sullen anger or strong resentment

The Gooch (noun) – 1. A bully who occasionally picked on Arnold Jackson 2. The skin between one’s balls and asshole; see also ‘taint’

Goopey load (noun) – a semiliquid sticky or messy ejaculate which often muddily splashes from a penis rather than squirts in a fine spray

A Grande (noun) – A woman who is outstanding and impressive in both girth and proportion

Gravitationally Challenged (noun) – a politically correct term used to describe very fat women

Grumpy Sumo Wrestler (noun) – An argumentative fat chick; See also ‘Pouty Hippo’

Gunt (noun) – 1. The surface of the body of a woman where the stomach dips down past her genitals 2. A pants covered region on a woman’s Netherlands wherein there is no distinct separation of gut and cunt 3. Disgusting

The Hairy Eyeball (verb) – 1. A look that a woman will give a man whom she does not wish to be approached by 2. A condescending glare

Hammy Shit (noun) – A poorly acted movie i.e. ‘Red Dragon’

A Handy (noun) – A delightful and vigorous hand job given with great care and vigorous effort by a woman as she looks you in the eye, sometimes biting her lower lip and breathing heavily, usually given in a car or at a bus stop i.e. I just turned myself on with that definition

The Hempen Back Massage (noun) – a completely uneducated fumbling about the naked back of a woman where in the act of human contact, not proficient at massage, is enough to spark a woman’s vagina to moisten

The Hempennis (noun) – My Cock

Hetero life partner (noun) – The person with whom a straight man has decided to spend the rest of his life with in a non sexual relationship because pussy eludes him at every turn

The H is O (noun) – an acronym referring to the song ‘The Heat is On’ by Glenn Fry on the ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ soundtrack, made by one friend to another, usually in a bar, when it looks like he will be getting some ass

Holiday Anal (noun) – a form of sexual intercourse in which a man puts his penis into the anus of a man or woman on a nationally recognized holiday i.e. Canadian Boxing Day

The Holiday Hard On (noun) – a rock solid hard-on traditionally placed inside of a vagina on Christmas Eve

Ho-lodex (noun) – any sheet of paper on which the names and phone numbers exist of promiscuous women, i.e. who-ers

A Hooker’s Asshole (noun) – 1. A highly offensive sphincter that perpetually smells of mud butt 2. A vile hole of treachery that vomits partially digested gummed chunks of fast food

A Hot Mess (noun) – A woman in a dirty or untidy state usually while smelling like she just sucked a cigarette’s dick

A Huge White Whale Piece of Shit (noun) – A fat white woman whose gross neglect and unfair treatment of those weaker than her causes harm to others

Hulking Out (verb) – the act of a retarded to exhibit great strength when angered

Human Beingary (verb) – The simple act of acting like a god-damned civilized human fucking being

I.F.P.D. (verb) – An Intensly Focused Penile Discharge is the act of a man to emit a powerful shotgun like explosion of semon after a sexual encounter has taken place, of which one had not taken place for a considerable period of time before

The ‘I’m not a fag’ seat (offensive noun) – A seat, usually in a movie theater, that remains unoccupied between two heterosexual men

Inner Asshole (existential noun) – 1. The inner asshole is a part that lies deep within the core of all those that YOU consider to be ‘nice’ people  Example; when a church mom stubs her toe on an end table and lashes out at her child who simply asks if she’s ‘ok’ 2. The inner asshole should not be confused with the inner cunt, which helps in your beautiful and kind wife’s decision to bury another’s cock in her penile cemetery plot

The Internet Fandango (noun) – A vigorous internet chat laced with double entendres and sexual overtones traditionally performed by a man and a woman as a courtship ritual

An Itchy Asshole (noun) – 1. An irritating sensation on the asshole that provokes a desire to scratch, usually by toilet paper until you see blood on it, but on rare occasions when nobody is around and relief needs to be acquired IMMEDIATELY, by ones finger 2. Usually brought on by improper wiping techniques (yes, there ARE techniques to wiping your ass)

Jerkin’ one’s Gherkin’ (masturbatory phrase) – A form of masturbation wherein the masturbator smiles delightfully to himself

The Jimboree (noun) – a gathering of 3 or more persons who have the first name Jim

A Jimjam (noun) – a gathering of no more or less than 2 persons who have the first name Jim

Jism (noun) – semen

Jumping on the Fat bomb (verb) – 1. an act usually performed by a wingman, in which he throws himself in front of a fat chick while you make good your escape with her hot friend 2. In the case of a REALLY good wingman, he will actually FUCK the fat chick in furtherance of YOUR effort to bag the hotty, earning himself a Vaginal Medal of Valor in the process

Junk (noun) – a formidable, yet sloppily combed private area

The Kemo-Hempy (noun) a coat worn, for more than 7 years by Michael Hempen which resembles a jacket that may have been sown together by pioneers of the old west

Kid drunk (verb) – the hilarious stumbling about of children after they have accidentally drinken a beer that has been left out

Kid Fucker (noun) – Although this term should always follow the preamble ‘dead’, as in ‘dead kid fucker’, our society still hasn’t gotten the balls to shoot these vile pieces of dog shit upon conviction, but instead still relinquishes to the notion of ‘justice’ by sending them to a nice comfortable prison. There is no justice when a kid is fucked…kill them where they stand. If my book sells, I offer a 10000 dollar bounty for every kid fucker scalp you bring me 

Kitten Ass (noun) – 1. A man in complete and utter thrall to his woman 2. A man who submissively shows favoritism to his woman over his friends on a consistent basis see also; pussy whipped

Knuckleville Junction (proper noun) – 1. A stop along the railways that cross the harsh terrain between Vagina-ville and Masturbationilvainia 2. Knuckleville Junction will oft times find multiple men in various stages of penile manipulation

Let-me-tell-YOU-something’s (noun) – a gathering of hot Hispanic or African American legal teenagers usually in a mall, who although dressed wildly inappropriate and sexually explicit, tell any man who approaches them to fuck off not to be confused with; Friskies

Losery (noun) – a state in which I find myself on most days

Lunatic hag (noun) – An older woman whom should know better than to act like a twit, but whom

The Magnificent Seven Inches (noun) – a nickname used for the Hempennis

Malguided (adjective) – motivated by or based on ass wiping ideas that are mistaken, heedless, or inappropriate

The Mall Cop Lean (verb) – The act of mall security officers in which they move to a position that is at an angle to the vertical, usually on a calendar or watch kiosk counter, while hitting on hot teenage employee’s of said establishment who want nothing to do with their 8 dollar an hour, go-tee’d, distended belly having, 40 year old still living with mom, real cop wanna-be asses

Man-crush (noun) – A temporary non homosexual romantic attraction for one man of another i.e. my man-crush of David Duchovney

Man-scaping (noun) The enhancemet of the appearance of a mans pubic area, especially around the penis, by altering the countours of pubic hair and shaving the balls completely

Masian (noun) – a rare and odd looking individual whose heritage cannot be clearly discerned as Asian or Mexican

Master Cocksmith (noun) – A man who, although his cock may not be mighty, wields it as though it were

Masturbationilvania (proper noun) – 1. A lonely township which lies in the foothills of the Flogginit mountain range 2. Masturbationilvainia is exactly on the opposite side of the globe from Vagina-ville

Meat curtains (noun) – a woman’s labia majora OR minora which looks like the overflow of a roast beef sammich

Mega Woman (noun) – A seemingly normal human female in all respects save one; she weighs 500 pounds.

Mexicans in Frickin’ Dance Clubs (noun) – a term, used ONLY by Jessica Smith in which she voices her general lack of interest in dancing Hispanics

Mexiganza (noun) – a large group of Hispanic Americans

Mid-jerk (verb) – the act of being half way or more into a self stimulating stroke a thon

Misfortunate (adjective) – accompanied by or bringing bad luck in regards to the training of basic hygiene

A Mouth Wash (noun) – a female aperture which cleans a penis with a revolving tongue and jets of spittle, usually to orgasm if done correctly

Mud Butt (noun) – the moist sensation caused by a mixture of sweat and improperly wiped ass (also referred to as booty juice) which forms on overweight people when they walk 20 feet or more

Nekkid (adjective) – an unattractively naked man whose in-the-buffery is often considered to be threatening or disturbing to those within eyesight of it

Neuticals (noun) – Testicular prosthetic implants for neutered pets

New Pussy (noun) – a thrilling and exciting new vagina which stimulates a man for the first time in a long time when the previous and often current vagina has become ho-hum and commonplace

The No Call List (noun) – a mental list created by a woman, on which men she has no desire to bang are penciled in

Nouveau Riche (adjective) – a fancy way for assholes like me to say ‘new’

Nutting up (noun) – the act of a man to take responsability for his actions

On the labia wagon (phrase) – Taking time off from the perils of vagina; see also ‘spinster’

Pandora’s Vagina (noun) – 1. A vagina that a man KNOWS he shouldn’t fuck because his pennis sense is tingling, but which he cannot resist 2. Opening Pandora’s vagina means to unleash an evil upon the world which cannot be undone 3. A vagina which, although beautiful and wondrous, brings with it misfortune and lies

Pants tent (noun) – a denim, courdoroy, or gabardine fabric held up by a man’s pethis when it is in a state of excitement while its owner is fully clothed

Passive Aggressive Rambling  (adjective) – The speech of a talky bitch which seeks to manipulate others indirectly and belittle people to their face whom she thinks are too dumb to notice that she’s doing it

Pending vagina (adjective) – 1. A vagina that is about to happen or come into effect for a man 2. A vagina not yet dealt with, decided upon, or settled into

Peni (noun) – The correct plural form of ‘penis’, it is NOT penises

Penile Clientele (noun) – 1. The female clients or customers of a professional penis proficient in the world of dick-vertising 2. Any lady shopping for dick

A Penile Distance(noun) – the length of space at which a woman keeps a man when she wants him to THINK there will be insertion even though her objectives are less than scrutable

Penile flirt (verb) – 1. When a cute female server actually wants some dick 2. An EXTREMLY rare occurrence except where celebrity is involved

Penile Troops (noun) – an invasion force of up to, but no less than, one penis which often lands on the shores of vagina-ville and is well received by the locals, until it begins spitting

Pennis (noun) pronounced like ‘tennis’ 1. A substitute used when one finds the hard ‘E’ in penis to be too firm 2. To lighten the tone of one’s junk by giving it a soft ‘e’

Pethis (noun) – A penis which, although not great in length or girth, has the distinction of being very pleasing and impressive to look at, listen to, touch , smell or taste

Pimp ride (noun) – Any car that one is not embarrassed to hand the keys of to the valet.

Pitching Woo (verb) – the act of a male to attempt to sway a particular woman into his bed by bringing her flowers, taking her to dinner, or pressing his dork against her bedroom window at night

The Planet Pussiter (noun) – A planetary body within the twat nebula where mysteries abound

Poking some Peculiar (verb) – a random sexual encounter with a NOT so hot chick met in a bar

Poo March (verb) – 1. An incredibly ludicrous walk in which the none of the bodies extremities are moved save the legs at the hip joint 2. A quick zombie-like amble brought on by one’s need to shit furiously

Pouty Hippo (noun) – The point at which a heavy woman shows displeasure; See also; Glowering Cow

Pre-vaginal ceremony (noun) – 1. the work or planning involved in making ones penis ready in advance of pending vagina 2. A state of pre-vaginal readiness

Pumping off (verb) – an angry form of masturbation which is often accompanied by the gritting of teeth

Pussy boner (noun) – a vagina whose state of sexual excitement makes its owner forceful like a man

Pussy Corporation Ltd. Inc. (noun) – 1. A vagina recognized by law as a single pussy with its own powers and liabilities, separate from those of honest, thoughtful, and dignified women. Pussy Corporation Ltd. Inc. performs many of the functions of a private vagina, only on a far more grand scale 2. A group of vaginas acting as a single entity

The pussy express (noun) – a penis that travels direct to its intended vagina, making few or no stops on the way

Pussy preparation mode (noun) – 1. The work or planning involved in making a penis or scrotum ready for pending vagina 2. A way, manner, or form of putting a dork in a state of readiness 3. Manscaping done in advance in order for one’s crotchal area to be ready for a future vagina

The Pussy Process (noun) – 1. a series of actions directed toward bedding a specific vagina 2. A series of natural occurrences that produce change or development in a vagina i.e. divorce, recurring small peni, horrible sex

Pussy Stockholm Syndrome (noun) – 1. A condition experienced by some men who have been held at vagina-point for an extended time in which they begin to identify with and feel sympathetic toward their girlfriend whose done just horrible shit to them 2. When a man stays with a woman whom he knows that he should not because of her extracurricular vaginal exploits

Quick Pussy (noun) – a vigorous one night stand

Rack (noun) – a substantial bosom which when revealed unteathered from clothing restrictions, stands at attention and is able to hold a full glass of water without dropping it

Rama Lama Ding Dong (genital noun) – 1. A penis in the midst of minding its own business 2. Not to be confused with Rama Lama, Rama Lama Lama Ding Dong which is a narcissistic penis who likes his presence to be known.

A Rapey Vibe (noun) – 1. a particular kind of feeling or ambience that some men exude when they are not clear in meaning or intention while alone with a woman 2. a creepy feeling that some women get in regards to a potential date which should NOT be overlooked

A Real Trooper (noun) – a woman who will not only let, but often insist that a man releases his seminal load on her face

The Relationship Countdown Clock (noun) – a metaphorical clock which countsdown the time left in a relationship as a mans girlfriend approaches 21 years of age

Repeat Business (noun) – a woman who provides sexual services on more than one occasion, i.e. the point of dating

The Re-Shirt (noun) – A T-shirt with a picture of a retarded on it

Retail Masturbation (verb) – 1. The act of an individual customer to consistently buy things and then return them soon after purchase for no discernable gratification 2. An act usually carried out by people of a low intelligence

Retail Psychic (noun) – a loser, whose time spent in the same position for more than 10 years, garners him a profound insight into the behavior of prospective clientele before they enter his place of business

Rim Job (verb) – 1. Getting the rims of one’s car replaced or cleaned 2. The act of licking another’s taint or anus with the tongue

Ripe vagina (noun) – 1. a female sexual organ or ‘HEY NOW!’ that has matured or aged enough to have developed the best flavor and body 2. A vagina at the most suitable stage of preparation or development 3. A pussy, usually in its early to mid twenties that is mature and ready to be plucked and eaten

River (abstract noun) – River is a term used when one happens upon a particularly, or normally annoying or ugly child i.e. upon seeing said child one would look to his companion and knowingly whisper “river” while nodding in the childs direction

The Robot (verb) – the most awesomest dance ever

Roofie Cookies (secret noun) – Shhhhhhhhh!

Rotundiness (noun) – The point on a mostly circular woman at which the head begins to resemble a large thumb

Ruckus (noun) – a noisy and unpleasant disturbance, usually caused by a fat chick

A Ruthy Lunch (noun) – when a corporation authorizes a lunch period of no more than a half hour to it’s emplyee’s, yet they take no less than a two hour lunch

Sausage fingers (noun) – the thick fingers of an extra large person that can barely bend at the knuckle

Schedenfreud (noun) – a German word which has no LITERAL English translation, but loosely means ‘taking pleasure in the misfortune of others’

Scurred (adjective) – the act of a black person feeling full of worry or fear

Scury (adjective) – A black woman, usually a guest of Maury Povich, yelling and causing fear in prospective baby daddy’s

Semen Shrapnel (noun) – A geyser which sometimes spurts free JUST before one has the presence of mind to cover one’s dick hole with a tissue

Serial Chubber (noun) – 1. A chubby woman who tries to seduce a number of men on the internet using subversive and false methods over a period of time, especially one who uses the same method each time 2. A woman who has never known ‘thin’ and from birth was a sizable individual  i.e.; a habitual fatty

Sextacular (noun) –  a sexual marathon between two partners that often lasts a weekend or more

Shitheadedness (noun) – rash or thoughtless behavior made by a shithead

Shooting Ropes (verb) – A stringy ejaculation of semen brought about from eating certain foods such as large amounts of celery example: ANY Peter North movie

Sitting bitch (verb) – 1. the act of a male in which he is forced to sit in the passenger seat of a car, or behind the driver of a motorcycle 2. The occupant of a vehicle of which he is not in control is said to be sitting bitch see also; bitch seat

Skullduggery (noun) – 1. An awesome word which means ‘unfair and dishonest practices carried out in a secretive way in order to trick other people’ 2. If this word were a vagina, I would fuck it

Slacks-capade (verb) – 1. The act of a man shopping for pants 2. A hetero adventure to a mall in which a man shops for hours searching out a new pair of dungarees 

Sloppy seconds (adjective) –  a humping that is additional to and less important than the first or main hump

Snaggle-tooth (noun) – a person whose teeth look like an M.C. Escher drawing

The Snatch Shallows (noun) – a bay in the Gulf of Clitoria where the vagina is more beautiful, but displays little intellectual or emotional complexity or value

Soapaphobic (noun) – an individual whose lack of hygiene causes them to smell of ass

Spaghetti unibrow (noun) – A thin unibrow made of pasta

Sphintoric Endeavor (verb) – The need of one’s anus to make a serious and sincere effort to achieve a shit

Spictacular (adjective) – a lavish Hispanic celebration or production

Spider Nipples (noun) – hairy nipples that resemble a large furry spider squashed between knarled toes

Spinster (noun) – 1. An offensive term for a woman who has remained unmarried beyond a certain age 2. A man who acts like a woman and whines about not getting laid

Spoop (noun) – A very messy post shit asshole which requires copious amounts of paper and a strong arm to wipe i.e. spackle poop

The Squeeze Technique (masturbatory noun) –1. A procedure wherein a man squeezes the base of his cock JUST before orgasm, withholding the wonders of his semen 2. A modus operandi which should only to be used in EXTREME circumstances where tissue is not present i.e. police station interrogation rooms

Stalkerazzi (noun) – All of the men in a bar who hit on one particular woman, usually the most beautiful one in the establishment, without success

Stalk Monster (noun) – 1. An undesirable female who will follow or try to get close to a man who has already expressed his disinterest in her 2. A woman whose perceived rotundiness or vicious behavior terrifies and disgusts the subject of her affections

Steppin’ (verb) – 1. some sort of dance of which elderly African American couples are frequently involved 2. A source of great humor for Mike Hempen and Action Jim as Mike’s mother would practice ‘steppin’ with video tapes

The Stranger (noun) – The act of a male to sit on his hand until it falls asleep, allowing him the opportunity to pleasure himself with the satisfaction of not feeling his hand doing the masturbating, in essence making it seem as though someone else is jerking him off

Stripper stank (noun) – the vaginal secretions left on a penis after a stripper has dismounted it

The Structurally Deprived (noun) a politically correct term for homeless people who wear newpaper underwear

Super Sized (noun) – 1. A woman whose girth is greater than what is normal 2. A woman who is large to or in a high or extreme degree 3. A big bitch; see also ‘Fat Chick’

The Swallow (noun) – a favorite bird of 18-25 year old girls who don’t know any better

Sweater prison (noun) a secure garment made of cotton or synthetic fiber in which breasts are confined as punishment for being beautiful or while waiting to be unleashed upon a lucky gentleman

Sweater-Puppies (noun) – a pair of aestetically pleasing breasts, made even more so by the tight sweater that houses them

Sword Fight (verb) – a very homosexual act, usually performed by 2 males who claim to NOT be homosexual wherein they mock a contest of phallus with their peni

Taint Bait (noun) – a hot chick with a long narrow tongue

Tang (noun) – 1. A drink used by astronauts 2. A derivative of the French word ‘pun tang’ which means ‘female genitalia’

Talent (noun) – 1. Multiple hot ass woman, usually meandering about a bar 2. An unusual natural ability within a group of extremely beautiful women to look amazing, especially in the ass area

Talky bitches (noun) – Women who drone on and on and on, only pausing to let you talk long enough to order them another drink

Teefus (noun) – 1. A person’s teeth which are in a state of upheaval or rebellion from the gums 2. Teeth which protrude in all directions see also; snaggle-tooth

A Teflon Shit (noun) – 1. A shit which only requires ONE wipe 2. Previously thought to require NO wipes, but then amended due to Smart Jim making me realize that you still have to wipe ONCE to know that you don’t have to wipe at all.

Thas how I Roll (Phrase) – A term meaning ‘that’s how I do things’ example: Eating chocolate covered dove peni? Thas just how I roll

Tig ole Biddies (noun) – 1. A very large set of bazooms i.e. big ole titties

The Time Machine (noun) a term used to describe an ATM machine when one spends all of their time there i.e. the ATM at a strip club

Tip flirt (verb) – 1. Vaginal verb When a cute female server behaves in a playfully alluring way in furtherance of pandering to your lack of sex in search of a bigger tip 2. Penile verb When a man is in the presence of a woman or women and the tip of his penis precariously pokes its head out of the hole in the front of his boxer shorts unbeknownst to him

Tit Man (noun) – a man whose first priority when sizing up a woman, is her ta-tas

Titsember (noun) – The 7th month of the Hempenian Calendar

Tomfoolery (noun) – silly behavior

Tossing Salad (verb) – A prison term meaning to force a subjugated inmate to lick another’s asshole with Jelly or Syrup, the reasoning being that when a man is sucking another man’s dick, he can pretend that’s something else. But when he’s licking an asshole? He KNOWS it’s an asshole

The Troll Brigade (noun) – a group of hideously ugly women organized to achieve a particular goal such as scoring dick from drunken guys or characterized by a common trait such as attitude, weight, vulgarity, or smell

Trooper (noun) – a woman who will let a man shoot his ropes on her face example; she’s a real trooper

Tubby Brat (noun) – a fat woman in the throes of a quiet temper tantrum

Turtling (verb) – the act of a penis to retract itself entirely inside the pubic area, usually when frightened or extremely cold

Tyranny of Abstinence (noun) – The cruelty and injustice of a woman’s vagina in the exercise of it’s power or authority over the penis

TV Absentia (noun) – A general lack of any new, viable, decent, or viewable programs on TV e.g. the last week of any year

Uber-horny (adjective) – 1. a person who is extremely sexually excited, or very easily aroused sexually 2. A state of being in men in which the slightest breeze can make them fuck the most inanimate of objects i.e. fucking a gourd after cutting a hole in it and slightly warming it in the microwave

Unknown Pussy (adjective) – 1. Undetermined or undiscovered vagina 2. A pussy that is not known to, or recognized by, my penis

The Vagimazon (noun) – Also known as ‘Vagimazonia’ is an unkempt, moist, tropical, pussy forest that covers all of a woman’s pubic area and may never have seen a razor, clippers, or have had any bride grooming done in its lifetime e.g. All Greek women

Vaginal Campaign (noun) – a series of events, e.g. rallies and speeches, that are intended to persuade women to give up that ass 2. A planned and organized series of actions intended to achieve some butt

Vaginal Sabbatical (adjective) – a voluntary vacation from the happenstance of vagina

The Vagina Corps (proper noun) – Sometimes referred to as G.I. G-Spot, the Vagina Corps is a rag tag group of every straight man on the planet who would like to get laid slogans include: A pussy of one,

Vaginally Deprived (adjective) – lacking the vagina needed for a comfortable or successful sexual encounter e.g. Most Ham Radio Enthusiasts

Vaginamite (noun) – 1. An explosive vagina whose unstable nature will cause catastrophic ripples in a man’s psyche 2. A woman who will cause a man to act in ways that he normally wouldn’t because the sex is better than what he’s used to

The Vagina/Penis ratio (noun) – 1. The proportional relationship between private parts in a bar 2. The point at which is reached more of one than the other

Vaginatown (proper noun) – A rustic jungle village set deep in the heart of Twattica whose chief exports include wigs, tree stumps, razor burns, and a deep sadness. Founded in the 70’s, Vaginatown enjoyed being nestled in the moist tropical forests until the land was laid bare by the Gillette Company’s ‘depubization’ project in the late 90’s. The only evidence left of its existence is a landing strip which occasionally haunts the barren waste of what was once a fertile bush.

The Vigina Triangle (noun) – An area on an extremely beautiful female between her thighs where peni and testicles have disappeared and not been seen again

Vagina-ville (proper noun) – 1. A fishing village whose borders caress the Gulf of Clitoria 2. Vagina-Ville is a place of infinite wonder where night time is ever present and secrets are kept from the prying ears of visitors from Cockifornia

Vagit Nam (noun) – a harsh and unyielding province where guerilla STD warfare is often used against invading and unsuspecting peni

Va-J-J (noun) a pussy that is dy-NO-mite!

The Vapors (noun) – A condition in which a man swoons like a woman

V-Boy (verb) – the act of a man to tuck his penis between his legs while prancing about in a disquieting and unmanly fashion, usually to the sound of 80’s music and while wearing a flowery robe of some sort e.g. first established by Buffalo Bill in ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Vulgar volcano (noun) – the antonym of ‘decorum reflex’ in which crude or obcene behavior is spewed forth from the gullet of an individual, particularly with regard to sex or bodily functions example: Farting loudly in church

Whack-a-do (noun) – a woman, usually of a deeply religious or spiritual nature, whose overzealous and potentially dangerous belief system makes them a fucking loony

What-now (noun) – The private sector of a woman’s crotchal region that is used in a direct or indirect way to gather information about the identity or nature of its penile quarry at the present time

Where Club Kids Go to Die (noun) – A shitty nightclub whose D.J. moonlights as a bagger at Jewel and still plays ‘Copacabana’ and ‘Walk the Dinosaur’ to the sad ears of middle aged, over dressed, heavily perfumed, divoree’s whose sadness lies NOT in their wanting to get laid, but wanting to get laid by people in THAT nightclub

Where Hard-on’s Go to Die (noun) – A magical place where a penis is taken by a woman who, while sending out all the silent signals such as body language, alluring clothes, and the occasional touch, talks of mundane things such as laundry, children, or parents . This mindless blathering does not coincide with her sex pottery, and is wont to send a full on robot chub into a quarter flaccid state of penile depression

Whisker Hunt  (transitive and intransitive verb)- 1. To persue a vagina with the intention of making the sweetest of loves on top of it 2. To engage in a sport involving the pursuit of consensual sex, usually with the aid of wingmen 3. To search persistently for a who-ha that’s difficult to find

White Trashery (verb) White people or a group of white people considered as possessing the stereotypical characteristics of a lower-income group in society, in the act of being white trash i.e. white people drinking mountain dew in a trailer park or disheveled white women hitting on men in return for their buying them a drink in a karaoke bar

Who-Dat (noun) – A womans clitoris

Who-er (noun) one of the best terms offered to the English Language from the Italians, who-er is a term used for somebody regarded as being sexually indiscriminate such as a wife or goomata

Who-Ha (noun) a woman’s man cave

Wingman (noun) – a friend whose job it is to help you get laid, usually in a bar, by introducing you to women or jumping on a fat bomb if necessary

Work Sex (verb) – the act of making the sweetest of loves in the place where one is employed

Wrestling The Cock (masturbatory verb) – the act of masturbation in which a man grips his penis using special holds while rolling around on the floor or in his bed

Yentering it up (verb) – 1. The act of 2 or more women clucking at each other like hens, often speaking over one another to the great annoyance of men

The Young Twattery (noun) – The young twattery is a wonderous place where a twat that has fermented for 18 years is ready to be tasted by a twat master


Keep an eye out for sporadic updates to The Hempanary

and don’t miss my first blog “The Friend Zone Episode 1: Dominus Nobiscus Hipotomus”

Monday Feb 18th at 6AM!