The Attack of the Completely Ineffectual Zombies
Written by: Terry Allen Cummings on 02/03/12
Brought to you by: Cous’n Cumm’ns Entertainment
Cous’n Cumm’ns Entertainment: Because you gotta read something, I guess?
A lot of people will tell you, especially crazy eyed, chubby alterna chicks who wear all black and go to renaissance Fairs with their titties popping out of their dresses like freshly baked muffin tops, cooked with too much yeast, while saying things like ‘thou’ and ‘thee’, that dreams mean something. Well, I’m here to tell you that dreams are meaningless and the one I had last night is proof of that.
Dreams are usually fleeting fantasies that slip your mind the minute you wake up, even the ones you want to remember will often times fade away before you have a chance to write it down in that dream journal you keep in the nightstand next to the bed in your mother’s basement. And much like any other involuntary action like farting during sex, pissing yourself a little when you laugh to hard, or accidentally making a smelly burp while kissing the girl of your dreams, sending the taste of pickles and boiled egg yolks into her mouth…dreams can be an asshole.
Dreams are nothing more than your brain flying on autopilot after you pass out with a full belly of those pickles and egg yolks we talked about earlier. Much like a dog when you have a leash on it, while you’re awake your mind walks beside you as a partner through the park, heeling when you tell it too, pooping in designated areas, and if you’re lucky, making that hot chick jogging in her sports bra bend over to pet it and tell you how cute it is while you go eyeball-spelunking into her cleavage. And also like a dog, when you take the leash off? Your sleeping mind goes ape shit. Running around like an asshole with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, eating its own poop, and dragging that girl with the nice cleavage down like a linebacker and humping her leg while drooling and staring off into the distance as she cries and screams for help.
Most dreams are nothing more than the emotion you felt RIGHT before you fell asleep put into motion picture form. Some people have angry dreams, some people have dreams that are about love, and some people have dreams of indifference. Although I don’t believe that there are meanings behind dreams, I DO believe that emotions are deeply connected to them. You don’t walk away from a dream remembering the pretty pictures that your mind formed; you walk away with deep deep Jacques Cousteau feelings. The images that you wake up with in your head are not TRUE images, they’re the feelings that the dream created, put to pictures that you can understand.
Although it doesn’t happen often, there are SOME dreams that can leave an indelible mark on your psyche, for good or bad. I think that ALL of us can recite at least one dream in our lifetimes, that we remember completely. I’m no dream expert, and if YOU claim to be a dream expert I have to say that you’re an asshole and there’s no such thing as a ‘dream expert’ much like there’s no such thing as a fucking back expert (yes, a chiropractor is a legal con artist), but be that as it may I couldn’t tell you why SOME dreams fade from us almost instantly after we wake up, while occasionally we’ll have one that sticks with us forever like a taint mole that we don’t have removed because we’ve never seen it…unless you’re one of those people who whacks off with a mirror strategically placed under your balls…never understood that, but I don’t judge.
But really it’s the FEELINGS that dreams produce that stick with you for a long time. Sometimes it’s sexual, sometimes its fear, and sometimes it’s a deep unnourished longing for something or someone. My dream last night was full of desire and fear, but when I woke up those feeling turned to jealousy and anger. This dream really pissed me off because it brought me back to a love in my life that I never wanted to think about again. It brought back that fear of losing her as if it just happened yesterday. And worst of all it brought those feelings back in a very silly back drop. Part one of this story is simply everything that I KNEW already before going into the dream as I’ve been writing a screenplay on this subject, while part TWO is the actual dream.
The Attack of the Completely Ineffectual Zombies
Part 1: Background
It’s 2012 and zombies are simply a part of the world we live in. They aren’t vicious or frightening in any way, but their sheer numbers create an annoyance that is hard to bare.
Zombies are everywhere and even though I know the reasons why they haven’t been utterly destroyed, living with them daily is taxing. I remember seeing them as a child and thinking that they were just different looking people like African Americans or the Chinese, but it wasn’t until the second grade that I was taught about zombies and their impact on our world.
Nearly 70 years after the first zombies rose from their graves, our methods of dealing with them had improved a great deal. I remember when I first learned the difference between life and death at age 12, a special zombie education class taught to all children, I asked my teacher why we didn’t simply throw all the zombies into the ocean, shoot them into space, or burn them into nothingness. She told me that religion was a very important part of our culture and that we had the zombies to thank for that; it seems that although they were a nuisance, they did inspire some good.
You would think that the religious right would have immediately come out against zombies, however in the aftermath of WWII when the world at war found itself banning together in an effort to fight off a common enemy, the pope, finding himself under a great deal of scrutiny for ignoring the Jewish holocaust, came out against the zombie holocaust citing that our lord and savior would be none too happy if he came back for the rapture to find only a handful of humanity to take with him to heaven.
Religious zealots from across the globe unified under the church’s edict that zombies were not to be harmed, and after the Zombie nullifiers were created by Dr. James Barrel, The Pope and the world’s leaders came together on the island of Mann to write the Zombie Accord, a 211 page edict which gave zombies the right to exist and laid out a detailed way in which they would be dealt with.
From those humble beginnings, most of the worlds elected officials would be right wing republicans or religious fanatics. It seems that after the destruction, devastation, and death caused by the second Great War, the world was ready for peace. Every culture on our planet learned a great truth in the aftermath of the zombie rising: the dead walked the earth in every race, color, and creed. They cared nothing for religion or politics…death was truly the great equalizer.
From the day that the Zombie Accord was signed on July 24th 1947 up to the present, there had only been 113 murders around the globe. One of the global laws passed through the Zombie Accord was that if you were found guilty of murdering an individual, you had to keep the zombie that that murder created shackled to your side until your own death, like an albatross around your neck. Death only caused the person who died to almost immediately become a zombie. Because of this, and the burden of an already incredibly large zombie population, the world came together sharing research and scientific resources in an effort to extend life as long as possible. This goal became our main focus; unlimited funds were made available to any who went into the field of extended life research. Scholarships were given to any and all willing to attend University with a mind towards life extension. Health care became free to everyone around the world in an effort to save lives and keep the zombie population from growing further.
The church created a special branch called The Corpse Collectors. These were priests who were sent out to search the bodies of the walking dead for valuables. In turn, these valuables were sold to collectors and the money from their sale used in furtherance of medical study, zombie removal, infrastructure changes, and to create more zombie nullifiers.
It was a near utopia…except for all the fucking zombies.
Where once there stood graveyards, now there were millions of acres of land devoted to housing zombies. Even still, some 70 years later they walk our streets and invade our homes. The nullifiers keep them weak and submissive, but still they shuffle about the streets and permeate every aspect of our lives. To this day we don’t know how they are able to do it, but no matter how tightly we lock down our homes, zombies are able to get in. It seems that whatever magic created them in the first place, gives them access to any building they wish to enter. It’s not desire or curiosity that drives them into our homes, rather a mindless shuffle in any direction and ignorance towards personal space.
The Zombie Nullifiers were created by Dr. James Barrel 8 months before the zombie accord was signed. When they first sprung from their graves, zombies were dangerous and vicious creatures killing anyone who crossed their path and creating more and more zombies. As I said, the world banded together to fight them, after imprisoning Hitler, even Germany took to the cause, but our efforts seemed fruitless. Every person who had ever died and whose remains were still in a form that could walk or crawl had come back to wreak havoc on our world. The only way to kill permanantly was to burn them. The much older zombies who were nothing more than a skeleton were easy to dispatch, all you had to do was crush the bones, but for the recently dead the task was more difficult. Bullets did nothing, and even if you burned them they would still come after you, most times killing YOU with fire as well. It takes a long time for a human body to burn to nothingness.
Dr. Barrel’s invention slowed and even stopped the zombies. Not much is known about Dr. Barrel other than he had worked on the Manhattan Project. His creation came in the form of a white plastic device with four red lights shaped like triangles on the bottom. Whenever a zombie came within 30 feet of this device it would simply shut down. The zombie that was crazily coming towards you at high speeds with its arms extended and teeth bore, now stood motionless with its head hung low and its eyes closed.
Using factories that were previously shut down and purposed for the war effort, Dr. Jim and our government mass produced the bug zapper sized nullifiers and distributed them across the globe. At first they were handed out to ALL military personnel and within 5 years every citizen had one. As more of them were made, we realized that carrying them around was not necessary. The sheer number of them that were produced cast a net across the globe that slowed and seemingly calmed every zombie even outside of their 30 foot influence. As we realized that zombies could enter our homes no matter how hard we tried to lock them out, every building was fitted with a nullifier in every room. Homes were built with nullifiers pre installed and much like bathrooms became a part of every home in the mid 1900’s, dedicated zombie rooms were fitted in every domicile built.
At first it was thought that by fitting nullifiers to the outside of homes, this would keep the zombies out. But we soon realized that a 30 foot radius can only hold so many zombies within its reach. Zombies would shuffle under the dull red glow of the nullifiers and pass out standing up. As more and more zombies came under the same nullifier, they would push other zombies, who had previously been immobilized under its spell, out of the circle and into homes. Since zombies could only pass through closed windows and doors, sometimes they would be pushed away from the house and wander back out into the world. This caused another modification to homes; high windows or sometimes no windows at all with only one door. Those who lived in lower income neighborhoods simply had to deal with zombie intruders as they couldn’t afford to have their homes refitted.
When you would find a zombie immobilized in your home, you would push it to the zombie room where it would stay until zombie removal came, once a week, and took it away to the zombie farms. At first the zombie farms were built over graveyards as they were no longer needed. Row upon row of wooden framed buildings that looked like chicken egg production farms sat on former graveyards around the world. As zombie collection increased, it became obvious that more land was needed and soon forest preserves were cut down to make more room. Governments began taking over every available piece of land and now the landscape is littered with zombie farms. In each of the buildings on a zombie farm, thousands of zombies stand motionless and upright under a ceiling lined with nullifiers.
However, not all zombies were brought to the farms. Because billions of dead people now wandered the globe, sometimes the body of a former famous person would be found in a home or even on the streets. Some people would keep these celebrity zombies and hold them in a ‘zombie room’ like collectables. People across the globe would trade zombies over the internet like Pokémon cards. A co-worker of mine had the zombie of Al Capone in his house, I have the zombie of David Lee Roth, and recently the zombie of Amy Winehouse was causing controversy in the news as a fan had stolen the zombie from her father’s house.
Of course, this wasn’t the first case of zombies in the news. It seemed that every night the news would feature stories of zombies being exploited in some horrific fashion. The worst has always been pedophiles, usually Catholic priests, molesting zombie children. These men are called zombiphiles. Their unspeakable actions cause a huge deal of controversy in the world as zombies aren’t considered living or having thoughts of any kind. The argument therefore becomes an issue of whether or not these people could be considered to be ‘molesting’ a zombie child, or simply fucking an inanimate object. The Supreme Court as of now has yet to come to a ruling so these perversions still take place. There are even special clubs throughout the world that offer the services of zombie children for a hefty fee. These events bring about the ONLY murders that still take place.
There is a group called ‘ZK’ whose sole function is to find and eliminate zombiphiles by burning them alive. Their killing is largely overlooked by the law enforcement agencies of most countries because their actions do not create more zombies. Although the church looks down on these killings, they don’t say much about it because most of the individuals killed belong to their organizations, and to cause a ruckus would be to incite further controversy.
Another side effect of our zombie infestation is the smell. The whole world reeks of rotting flesh. The only place to escape this cavernous stench is the mountains. The wealthy pay a great deal of money to build homes on mountain ranges where once there were none. Zombies don’t climb, so jagged peaks keep the rich out of the reach of them and their stench. Private helicopters shuttle back and forth across the sky, carrying wealthy and important men and women from their lofty summits.
Back at sea level, zombie nullifiers hang from every street lamp. Cars have all been fitted with cow catchers in order to drive through the herds of undead that sometimes get pushed into the roadways from overcrowding under the nullifiers. A look above the streets reveals great throngs of zombies, stretching for miles sometimes, lining either side of the road in overlapping 30 foot circles under red lights. 7 Times a day, monstrous trucks, once used in quarries, now fitted with giant scoops on their front, come down the roadways picking up zombies and dumping them in a huge container on their back which is emptied at a nearby zombie farm. Smaller trucks follow them with snow catchers attached to their front and sweep any zombie missed off the street.
We try to live as best we can in the world we were given, but it’s never easy. There are swarms of flies everywhere which keep us all in zippered plastic clothing when outside, not exposing one iota of skin. Luckily there is no magic that lets the flies enter our tightly fortified homes. Even still, just opening the door to come inside will often let hundreds of them in with you making the business of selling fly swatters and fly traps a lucrative one to say the least.
Although the church has managed to convince the population of the world that the zombies are a miracle from God, signifying the coming of his rapture, some people are simply not satisfied with that explanation. Over 99 percent of the population has been persuaded into the Catholic faith, and I was one of their followers. However, the frustration of believing in a God based on the existence of zombies, weighs heavily on some of us, and it was because of this frustration and a chance encounter with a lost love, that I learned the truth behind their existence, and the bible had nothing to do with it.
Part 2: The Actual Dream
Now, I don’t know why we have dreams in the span of 2 hours that seem to last forever, but this was one of those. And in it a whole world was created in my mind. As a society we were paying extra taxes to have the zombies picked up like garbage once a month. They were taken to these large farms that looked like the chicken houses in Breaking Bad or Napoleon Dynamite. The ceilings were littered with zombie nullifiers and the buildings were just packed with walking dead people from all periods of time. When the zombie phenomenon hit us, sometime in the 40’s WAY before I was born, EVERY dead person that still had a rotting corpse crawled up from the grave causing something of an over population.
You would think that the Christian right would have come out against zombies, but quite the opposite happened. Where as many people in congress wanted the bodies burned, the religious groups insisted that the bodies be kept intact for when the rapture came. Their thinking was that it wasn’t the zombies fault that they were zombies and it wasn’t up to us to keep them from God’s glory when Jesus came back to claim his people. There were long debates, violence erupted, and there was black and white footage of protests and campaigns on Washington. ALL of this didn’t happen in my dream, but it WAS in my head during the dream. Like it all actually happened. I actually had memories of being taught zombie history in high school.
This was not the zombie apocalypse that you see in movies, these zombies were just something that we lived with as a society for many years. Because 99 percent of them were corpses with no muscle structure, they couldn’t hurt you when NOT under the nullifiers, so we learned to live with them. I have no idea how they got into our homes, maybe it was something super natural that let them open any door, locked or not, but over the 70 plus years they’d been around, we’d thinned them out quite a bit by putting them in the chicken houses, which were EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes you would come home from work and find a zombie sleeping under your nullifier. I had kept my mother when I found her one evening, and I intended to keep the David Lee Roth Zombie because I thought that it would be great to make fun of it at parties.
Secondly, in my dream I’m still living in my mother’s condo, however it has different layout than I remember and it’s on the first floor of the building. I have a dedicated zombie room in the condo and in it is my mother, who came back from the grave 2 days after we buried her, 3 strangers, and for some reason, David Lee Roth. Doesn’t SOUND scary, but believe me he GETS scary as my story continues.
Also, for some reason it’s always night in this dream, and it’s always raining. It makes for a foreboding back drop to the story I’m about to unfold, which as far as I can tell, takes place over several weeks.
Now, in my dream, as in real life I travel out to Joliet quite a bit to eat at my favorite restaurant. It’s about a 45 minute drive, but I like the scenery and don’t mind it so much, in fact I enjoy driving alone in the rain which is constant in my dream. One night, while driving to Joliet, I see a sign above an old log cabin building that sais “Rich Proctor’s Bead Emporium”.
Rich Proctor, in real life is a considerably good friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in some time. We occasionally communicate on face book, but in my dream I just haven’t seen or heard from him in maybe 10 years. So I decide to stop to see if this is the same Rich Proctor that I know.
As I pull up and park outside of the small wood structure, my headlights cast an eerie glow on the front of the building. The roof juts out about 5 feet over a wooden walkway that surrounds the place. Hanging upside down like a bug zapper to the right of the door is a zombie nullifier and about 10 sleeping zombies standing up with their heads down and eyes closed underneath it. I get out of my car and put my coat over my head to help protect me from the downpour of rain, and run to the door. There’s a warm light coming from the screen door, and as I open it a little bell at the top announces my presence.
I walk in to find that the proprietor of this shop of beads is indeed the Rich Proctor that I know. The shop is full of waist high homemade tables with buckets of variously colored beads in them. There are pictures that children have drawn on the walls and the place has the old time feel of a store from western movies. As Rich and I catch up, with thunder cracking across the night sky outside, he tells me that he’s now married and that I know his wife. And then he drops the bomb…his wife is my ex girlfriend Jackie.
Now, in real life Rich is married to a wonderful woman and I have NO idea why in this dream he’s married to ‘the one that got away’, but I can tell you that the feelings of jealousy and stomach knotting pains immediately filled my mind and body. Even with all the zombies, this is the first time that fear and panic truly hit me within this dream.
I told him that was wonderful, I told him I was happy for them, and I continued to lie as I backed my way to the door and excused myself because I was late for a previous engagement. I didn’t even bother covering myself as I walked slowly to my car. I was devastated. I couldn’t breathe. When you mistakenly break up with the love of your life, you NEVER want to hear from OR about them again. It’s the only way to get through life with any kind of sanity.
Several weeks go by, and I’ve made myself feel somewhat ok with Rich’s news. He’s called me several times asking me to come back to visit, and I tell myself that as long as I don’t have to SEE Jackie, I might be able to live with this. After all, I can hardly blame Rich for falling in love and marrying Jackie when I hadn’t seen EITHER of them in many years.
Another month goes by, and Rich stopped calling. Because I was busy with work and other concerns of the dreamscape, I hadn’t even thought about Rich and the love of my life…until one night when I had free time and decided to drive back to my favorite restaurant in Joliet. It was about 7 o’clock at night, and as I passed by the old wooden building that was Rich’s shop, I noticed a sign in the window that said ‘going out of business’. There was still a light on inside so I decided to stop in and see why Rich was closing down the shop.
Just like before, I pulled up casting my headlights on the front of the building. This time there were only 2 zombies standing on the porch under the nullifier. I figured that Rich must have had a zombie pick up earlier in the day as you would usually catch 10 to 20 by that time of night. I went to open the door, expecting to hear the little bell ring, but it was locked. I knocked on the wooden frame of the screen door and waited for a minute, looking at the sleeping zombies, breathing shallowly, and wondering if they dreamt. I knocked again and the door immediately swung open…it was Jackie.
Now MY heart started pounding and I started breathing shallowly. I wanted to just turn and bolt to my car. This was the moment I dreaded. A thousand scenarios filled my mind as Jackie smiled at me; she’s not mad at me which means I’m going to have to come in and talk to her and Rich while they hold hands or she sits on his lap and they recount how they met and their wedding, and so on and so on and so on. I actually wished that she’d said “Go fuck yourself” and slammed the door in my face…but she didn’t.
She paused with that smile on her face. It was a look of pleasant shock. She told me that it was wonderful to see me and told me to come in out of the rain (you can see where this is headed). I came inside and shook off my wet coat. I uncomfortably told Jackie that it was nice to see her, and that I had just stopped by to ask Rich why he was closing the shop. Jackie told me that Rich was out of town, but that they just weren’t making enough money selling beads. Even though I had a pounding love knot coursing through my body, I decided to stay and catch up. If I just powered through I was sure that civility was the adult way to go.
Jackie locked the front door again and invited me to sit by the fireplace in the back room to warm up. The back room was an office with an old wooden roll top desk sitting underneath a curtain-less window that looked back on the wooded lot behind the building. There was a bed against one wall and a fireplace on the other. Sometimes, when working late Rich would just sleep over at the store. Jackie told me that she was there packing up, and there were boxes strewn about the floor. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she was a teacher now. That’s where all the drawings were from on the walls in the main store.
We talked for several hours in the glow of the fireplace, and I eventually became way more comfortable. This wasn’t as bad as I thought. In fact it was great catching up with Jackie. However, as the fire dyed down to embers and the room grew dark with their faint glow, I told her that I should be going. I couldn’t tell her this, but seeing her smile in that light made the dying embers of love that I had once felt for her, blaze up into an inferno. As I got up to leave, Jackie led me to the office door and asked me to lock the front door behind me. I told her goodnight and walked out into the store. As I passed the counter, I leaned up against the wall and let out a heavy sigh. I had to just stand there for a moment and let those feelings go. Shit, I forgot my coat. I walked back to the office door and opened it. There, stoking the fire stood Jackie with her blouse unbuttoned and her perfect breasts glistening in the renewed fire light. I turned my head immediately and apologized in shame…but I didn’t leave the room. I stood there in the doorway waiting like an asshole for Jackie to yell at me for barging in on her, waiting for her to hit me with the fire poker, waiting for her to…I looked up. Jackie looked me dead in the eye. No shame, no anger, no rage or disappointment. She walked casually across the room towards me, put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me. It was the passionate kiss of two lovers meeting across time.
There was no indecision or second thoughts to it. I put my hands on her shoulders and as we kissed, I slowly pushed her towards the bed. I could smell her sex, and as I reached my hand down her pants, I thought the heat from her pussy would burn me. We made love and even in that dream it was the best sex I’ve had in ages.
I drove home in the rain that night with a big heavy grin on my face. Not the grin of a teenager who just got laid, but the smile of someone who’s had a second chance. It wasn’t until the orgasm wore off that I began doubting my decision. What had I done to Rich? Surely this couldn’t go anywhere, right? Could I be THAT guy who just fucked someone behind her husband’s back? Sure I could, but could I do that with someone that I actually love and care about?
All of these thoughts permeated my mind, and because I couldn’t stop thinking about them, I didn’t even notice that my front door was unlocked when I got home. I went to my bedroom in the dark, dropped my keys on my dresser and turned on a light. I stood in front of the window watching the rain outside come down in sheets. Suddenly, from what seemed like far away, I heard a strange noise; “bozedy bozedy bopp, ditty bop”. Did that come from inside my condo? I turned and looked down the hallway. The light cast from my bedroom lamp eerily shone down the long dark hall…and at the end of it, the zombie room door was wide open. What the fuck? I slowly walked toward the open door casting my own shadow in front of me. I peered through the open doorway and saw NO zombies inside. I looked up at the ceiling and only 3 of the four lights were lit on my zombie nullifier.
Now, as far as I knew in my dream, zombie nullifiers are nuclear powered and the lights NEVER go out. In fact, you have to physically break the mechanism with the force of a tank hitting a canyon floor after falling off of a cliff. Now that I was closer to the kitchen and living room, I could hear zombies shuffling around those rooms, and I began to feel a great deal of panic.
“Bozedy Bozedy Bopp, Ditty Bop” there it is again. It’s fucking David Lee Roth. I don’t know why but this simple and ridiculous lyric from “I’m Just a Gigolo” filled my heart with untethered panic. I had to do something. I had an extra zombie nullifier in my bedroom, and so I ran from to the doorway of the zombie room to book down the hallway, when my mother zombie appeared before me, baring her teeth and hissing! Since she hadn’t been dead that long, SHE still had muscle structure and pushed me down onto the hard wood floor. My hand stung from the force of trying to break my fall and I skittered backwards away from her pushing myself back with my feet. Suddenly I hit the wall and had nowhere else to go. She came at me with lightening speed in the dark room…and then I woke up.
At first when I woke up, all I could think of was Jackie. I was almost shivering with the desire to be back in those arms, to feel the warmth of her skin against mine, to look into those cold blue eyes again and feel the hunger we once felt for one another. Then, as reality came washing back over me like an overflowing sewage drain, I realized how unfair those thoughts were. I was OVER this woman; we’d had NO communication for more than 11 years. From what I know she’s married and has 2 kids now and I couldn’t be happier for her. I became pissed at myself for HAVING a dream like that, not because it was wrong, but THOSE are the feelings I’ve been looking for throughout these blogs, and it FINALLY came to me…but in a fucking dream.
I know that the dream ended with fear and my need to piss is what woke me up, but it was Jackie and the need to be with her no matter how wrong or who I hurt in the process that stuck with me. But another thing that occurred to me is that in my dream, Jackie wasn’t really Jackie. I’m not still in love with Jackie, but I DO have a desire to be in that kind of love again. Jackie was a metaphor in my dream, a simile that represented desire, lust, and a longing need to have THAT kind of connection with a woman again.
It’s bad enough to walk around daily with a self loathing fear of rejection that keeps me from even TRYING to approach a woman, but to have that feeling now permeate my fucking dreams is unacceptable. It’s time to nut up and start producing results toward my lofty goal of no longer being the ONLY seemingly single man left on the planet.
Also, I’ve been working on a fictional recounting of this dream as a story, maybe even a movie. I’ve come up with a villain and an origin for the zombie crisis. The story goes back and forth between flashbacks that tell the zombie origin story, and the present day heroics of the lead character in solving the mystery of the nullifiers powering down and zombies running amuck while dealing with the emotions of his rekindled love for the woman who left him. Y’know how ‘Casablanca’ was an amazing love story with WWII as the backdrop? Same thing here, only with zombies.
And, Since there is no such thing as a GOOD movie with a HAPPY ending, Jackie decides to leave and burn zombies in Africa or something. In the end, as I watch her get onto her plane I say “Here’s lookin’ at you kid” …and then a zombie bites my neck as Jackie soundlessly screams behind one of the small circular windows on the side of the plane and takes off into the night sky leaving the audience to weep at her loss and set aside money for the sequel:
THE ATTACK OF THE INCREDIBLY INNEFICIANT ZOMBIES 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO