Area Fifty-One


I was watching the History Channel today at work…as I am wont to do, rather than deal with customers. They were airing a special on U.F.O’s and Area 51. I’ve seen a lot of History Channel shows that try to disguise a message of bullshit and cheap paranormal theories behind sloppy science, lazy methodology, and hammy fucking acting over the years. I’ve seen the movies, I’ve read the books on Roswell, and I even got my hatred of cats from watching ‘Alf’. Thousands of people have made suppositions, accusations, and come up with theories more convoluted than a stripper’s story of how she came up with her ‘stage’ name. These speculations are based on everything from UFO’s, government cover up’s, and that Bat kid from the cover The National Enquirer. I’ve never seen a U.F.O. myself, but like many of you out there, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea that we’re not alone.

That being said, I’m going to take a Switzerland-esque look at the folk lore, the supposed evidence, my OWN hypothesis, and the fucking facts as I see them. (Rod Sterling Voice) Please…allow me to piss all over your mind in another paranormal episode of: ‘Area Fifty Fucking One’.

When I think about it…I don’t really want to be around PEOPLE most of the fucking time because a majority of earthlings make about as much sense to me as an ape in a gorilla suit. So why would I want to hang out with some lanky grey alien who tries to make me understand how his spaceship bends time by talking to me through my mind? I can barely deal with the douche at the bar who tries to tell me about the time that the bass player from ‘Nelson’ spackled the dry wall in his den. I mean, WE’RE assholes, what makes these dip shits who try to convince you that aliens exist while living in the aluminum trailer on their Aunt Spidertit’s farm, surrounded by police scanners, ho-ho wrappers, Star Wars light saber replicas, and X-Files posters, think that aliens won’t be?

Most of these guys couldn’t draw you a picture of a vagina, but they seem to think that THEY are the human Rosetta stone when it comes to deciphering the intent of other worldly beings. I guarantee you that if you give them a personal trainer, a new wardrobe, some colon, and an apartment that does’nt look like it’s been decorated by a Toy’s R Us employee, when they start docking the skin boat in tuna-ville, they’ll shut the fuck up about aliens.

THAT’S why women have all the fucking power on this rock…because pussy makes us think clear. The crazier a guy seems, the farther away his last skinny dip in Vagina Lake was. They’ve made up imaginary friends to take the place of those who don’t want to be around them because they have the personality of a fucking roof shingle and they smell of bacon, sweat, and car trunk. These guys are fat slobs with boring lonely lives who have nothing better to do than sit around typing about made up shit that’s happened to them…holy shit…they’re ME!

And is it just me? Or does every fucking story you hear of aliens involve an anus at some point? What kind of unseen knowledge of the human condition do you think otherworldly beings can gleen by shoving stuff in your ass? I don’t know much about sheep, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go spread open one’s rectum with a pair of salad tongs and shove a TiVo up its butt. Plus, if there IS something in the human body that’s SO fascinating…don’t you think that aliens would have fucking found it by around the 50th person’s rectal exam? These little jag offs just keep doing it though. At SOME point you gotta figure that aliens are the universe’s high school football team, and they are now picking on us just because they fucking can. And more importantly, who wants aliens coming here any fucking way? Look what WE did to the American Indians, and that was just a nation, imagine the same thing but on a global scale. Some shitty green beast giving us all blankets with space small pox on them.

As ‘neat’ as the idea of aliens sounds, and I DO ponder their existence when I’m taking a particularly long shit, I find the notion of them skipping through the galaxy for millennia and making a pit stop in Macon, Georgia, yanking ‘Dwight’ up in a pillar of light, and gleaning ANY information from him regarding human beings, somewhat retarded. DWIGHT is that guy that when you ask him how to get someplace because you’re lost, he tells you that he doesn’t live around that area. Even though when you ASK him, he’s sitting on his rickety porch wearing a straw hat and coveralls with one side unbuttoned, sucking on a straw and strumming his banjo while his sister who’s hair style can only be described as ‘tufts’ creepily strokes his leg. Dwight is his own fucking uncle AND the county asshole.

But somehow, this is the guy that always seems to represent humanity. Bullshit. Let me tell you something…I’ve SPENT some fucking time in the south…It’s more boring than a deaf/mute roast master. When I was a kid, my mother would take me down to my Aunt’s house in southern Illinois. The first night I was there, I sat on the porch with my cousin Tom who looks exactly as I just described Dwight, the only difference being that he had lost a leg in a combine. EVERY family in the south has a relative who has lost a limb in a piece of fucking farm equipment; can’t we get some safety regulations on that shit? We watched the sun go down, and listened to the crickets chirp. I can remember thinking, that night, how it was a nice change from city lights, and the sound of cars and trains blaring at all hours.

The next night I had to be restrained because I was SO fucking bored that I had convinced myself that the crickets were telling me to ‘GO HOME’, my one legged uncle was going to make me his personal crutch, and that my Aunt had sucked the light out of the night sky to keep her oven going 24/7 so she could bake more cookies than a fucking Nabisco factory. I was clawing at the 19th century colonial wallpaper in my ‘guest bedroom’ to get the fuck out. When I finally got enough wits about me to light the oil lamp beside my huge puffy bed filled with more throw pillows than a porn set, I let out a scream because I could see the fingernails of PAST guests stuck in the wall like Katherine in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.

To appease me, the next day my Aunt said she had something special to show me. We walked for an hour down to the barn on her property where she introduced me to a little calf. I pet it for five minutes, and then passed out from boredom like someone spiked my fucking sun tea. I awoke in the back seat of my mother’s car and yawned ‘where are we’. She looked at me angrily in the rearview and snarled ‘We’re going home because of YOU’ and then she swatted at me from the front seat as I ducked and dodged like Neo in the Matrix.

What I’m saying is that the Southern part of this country is SO fucking backwards and boring, those people HAVE to be making shit up just to appease their own sense of loneliness. Other than booze, spinning yarns of ‘alien homo’s playing with their sphincters, is the only way to pass the time. If you think about it, there is NOTHING more frightening to rednecks than gay guys fucking them. ‘Alien abduction’ is the southern version of ‘the hook handed guy’ story the rest of us have heard around the campfire.

If you look at it from the opposing view point, when you put yourself in the shoes of visitors from another planet, the south would actually be the smartest place to start. Think about it, you’re hovering above this big mud ball and what can you see from space? Lights…lots and lots of lights. If you weren’t sure how you would be received by the indigenous people, wouldn’t you try to AVOID those lights and come down to see what you’re in for? Then during the day what can you see from above? Roads. It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that roadways are the infrastructure of our species. When you watch those animal planet shows about fish and birds, what is the FIRST thing these scientists talk about? Migration patterns. It makes sense to me that these beings would hover above our roadways at night when they can’t be seen, which is USUALLY when and where they ARE seen.

As I got older and began taking a forced pounding from religion, I learned that the church’s official stance on aliens is that they don’t exist. If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle bullshit. Do you think if there ARE aliens out there who have been studying our culture, they have an ‘official stance’ on Jesus? If you look at it and I’m NOT saying they’re true, but there are more believable stories to corroborate the existence of extra terrestrials than there are to convince me there was a man born of a virgin. Roswell is a pretty convincing story with witnesses, but I STILL can’t wrap my head around why Christians worship a Jew, but BLAME Jews for killing him even though it was a Roman that sentenced him to death. Shouldn’t they hate Italians then? It’s a religious catch 22 that does nothing to help me in my quest for the truth.

When I was young, I was fascinated by the film genre created by men like Spielberg. NOT the Star Wars shit, that was just entertainment, but the stuff that made you think, like ‘Close Encounters’ and ‘E.T.’. Sure E.T. was some sappy shit, but that was the first time I was introduced to the idea of governmental cover up’s and conspiracy. ‘Close Encounters’ may have been above my attention span at that age, but after I saw it? I was CONVINCED that there were other beings out there. Those movies inspired a generation to look up at the night sky for hours trying not to blink lest they miss something otherworldly.

When I got older I saw ‘Fire in the Sky’. Other than the decent acting of this supposedly true story come to the cinema, I was intrigued by the bigger than life dramatizations of what happened on the alien ship, and the ‘proof’ that the movie went on to tell me of. As I was working in a bookstore at the time, I swooped up the novel that the film was based on. It truly stole my imagination, but even then in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think these guys were full of shit. So I started reading more. I got every book I could on ‘Roswell’, gleaned what little I could on the internet about ‘Area 51’, started having friends over for viewings of ‘The X-Files’, and bought ‘Star Trek’ action figures. I became one of ‘them’.

Luckily, it was at about this time that I met my ex girlfriend Jackie. She waved the smelling salt of pussy under my nose and snapped me out of my delusional trip to No-Ass-Francisco. However, I didn’t stop reading. But instead of just reading the books that were full of shit on the side of the alien argument, I started reading books that were full of shit against the alien argument. One view in particular stuck with me. Albert Einstein.

Einstein said (and I’m paraphrasing because I’m WAY too lazy to look up the actual quote) that it would be impossible for aliens to travel to our solar system. There is no technological means, nor will there be to span that great a distance. Makes sense. And if Al said it? Well that’s good enough for me.

But NOW there are these theories of ‘folding space’ and creating ‘wormholes’ with which to travel great distances in a short amount of time. Theory now, reality later. Shit, that’s how we got the hamburger right? Some numb nuts in a hovel on the English country side said to himself “if I could JUST come up with something to put this putrid dead cow ON…I’d make a fortune”. He probably tried putting the WHOLE cow between two marshmallows first, and then tried a SMALL piece of the cow between two clumps of hair, and then tried to climb INSIDE the cow and eat if from the inside out making himself a part of some human black hole experiment, and THEN someone invented bread! And he would sit in the field throwing it at the cows saying ‘WHY WON’T YOU EAT THAT?’…when BOOM, it hit him…what if the BREAD ate the COW? And then HE ATE THE BREAD?! GENIOUS!

But that’s how invention happens folks…it all goes back to the burger. I’m sure after a few scientific missteps, we’ll eventually get the hang of it but our space travels will produce some kind of side effect that will give us all warts on our balls or something. With great invention, comes great testicular pain.

Another theory that I’ve heard rumblings of in the pot head community, is “what if aliens are NOT aliens, but US from the future coming back to study the past”. O.K. genius, let’s ASSUME that evolution will one day make us look like a stretch Armstrong doll fucked a beef jerky stick, AND let’s assume that technology will GIVE us the ability to time travel in some distant future…don’t you think that by the time that shit rolls around, we’ll have a fucking microchip with EVERY piece of knowledge on it ever? Why the fuck would we need or WANT to study THIS point in history? PLUS the way oil is drying up on this planet, we’ll be lucky if this rock doesn’t end up looking like a close up photo of my asshole in 20 years: Pock marked, dry, wrinkly, and incapable of sustaining life other than that hemorrhoid that looks like Mick Jagger over on the western hemisphere. I think we reached the bell curve of our evolutionary road trip right around the mid eighteenth century when bald guys with big mustaches curled at the tips rode around on those bikes with the oversized front wheel, advertising ‘box socials’. We don’t have enough Darwin left in us to reach the point where we look like Kip from ‘Futurama’.

In my opinion, and maybe it’s a pessimistic one, we’ll all be dust blowing around the upper atmosphere of a planet that’s been sucked dryer than a whiskey bottle at a Kennedy family Christmas party. Sure the earth will bounce back from us fucking with it like a little kid with a magnifying glass fucks with an ant hill, but IF life evolves AGAIN, and the odds on it happening ONCE were worse than the odds of the pope willingly butt fucking a cartoon rabbit, do you really think whatever species evolves from the muck will give two shits about US…in THIS particular time? Why? Because WE ruined the planet and killed ourselves? They won’t know that.  For all WE know we’re like the 300th turn of the dice on this crater.

‘The History Channel has another show called ‘Ancient Aliens’, where they theorize that aliens landed on this planet thousands of years ago and helped build the pyramids, Stonehenge, The Lost City of Atlantis, and generally nursed our society like Ashton Kutcher on Demi Moore’s tit . Ain’t that some shit? Give our species some fucking credit guys, will ya? I mean we FINALLY start pulling our heads out of our asses, and we come up with cool architectural designs, a written language, and Hot Pockets and just because YOU guys are jealous that the ONLY thing you’ve contributed to society is to NOT have spread any sexually transmitted diseases, you want to shit all over the achievements of our species.

They’re all gone now, the ancient Egyptians, and the Mesopotamians, and the Inca’s so I’ll act as arbitrator in their stead and say: FUCK YOU. Who the fuck do you think YOU are, we were GOD’S in the eyes of our subjects. We didn’t NEED aliens to help us feel special, we had minions who worshipped at our feet and did our bidding because WE knew how to bullshit through fear, intimidation, and fucking whips. Unlike YOU with your douchebag alien mumbo jumbo which gains you NOTHING but fat lonely spinsters who ONLY watch you because there aren’t any soap operas on at 9P.M.

Then there’s my favorite theory…the coup de grace of the alien conspiracy: Area 51. I saw a special on Fort Knox a few weeks ago, and someone that was interviewed for the show theorized that Fort Knox was empty and the gold was actually stored someplace else. This, in fact, is a tactic that goes back to ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu. You make an enemy BELIEVE that all your gold is in one place. You basically make that place a target. BUT you KEEP your gold someplace else completely unguarded and inconspicuous. Pretty ingenious right? Hide in plain sight.

How fucking stupid are you people? I mean really? There has NEVER been, nor will there EVER be alien spacecraft or reverse engineering of an alien spacecraft at Area fifty fucking one. The government makes this chess move SO fucking obvious for a reason, to KEEP your attention away from the REAL ‘Area 51’: Fort Knox. That’s right, I put it to you that FORT KNOX houses alien spacecraft and Area 51 houses all the gold like Scrooge McDuck’s money vault.

Speaking of reverse engineering; I’ve TALKED to a few scientists about this theory that cell phones and cars and dildos are ALL reverse engineered from the captured alien spacecraft at Roswell. AGAIN, give your forefathers a little fucking credit. The micro chip did NOT come from an alien spaceship. That shit came from the hard work and sweat of some penny less loser who spent HOURS not getting laid so that YOU could one day whack off to ‘midget’s with horsecocks’ porn on your computer. It’s America’s greatest story, rags to riches. We used to LOVE tales of inspiration like that, NOW we try to take away the genius of a landmark in technological wonder by giving the credit away to the fictional delusions of uninspired dopes.

Look, I’m willing to bet that a weather balloon has NEVER been mistaken for a U.F.O….I’ll give you that, there DOES seem to be something fishy going on. When the Roswell thing FIRST happened, it was the GOVERNMENT that said it was a flying disc that crashed and then they changed their mind like a prom date sobering up after getting her hair accidentally caught in the car door. There are a ton of ‘incidents’ that have all caught the public’s imagination: The Battle of L.A., Ghost rockets over Scandinavia, The Mantell Incident, Project Sign (later called ‘Project Blue Book’, and even later called ‘Dancing With the Stars’). All great stories but NONE with a bit of proof or evidence which in MY mind makes them half truths at best.

If you think about it…H.G. Wells might have started ALL the government ‘alien cover up’ bullshit. When he put on his little radio show called ‘War of the Worlds’, which was a fictional tale of an alien invasion, people started running around and panicking like the Japanese in a Godzilla movie. Is it ANY wonder that if aliens DID come here, the government would keep that from us?

The origin of these phenomenon have their roots in the 1940’s, so we have to take a look at what the fuck it was that started this shit. First of all, the world had just gotten out of a war where the stakes were as high as global domination. THAT’S some heavy shit. I mean Hitler was trying to wipe an entire race off the planet and frankly we’re lucky that it hasn’t happened again. Vietnam? That was a war over idealism. Even now, we don’t fight a man, we fight a word: terrorism. I’m sure that after WWII the world was more skittish than Rush Limbaugh during a random pee test. We NEEDED something to collectively point that anger and fear at. You know how you see a spider in your house? One of those mother fuckers that’s SO big that you thought it was a grapefruit hanging from your ceiling at first? So you kill it by slamming it between two shoes, and then ALL night long, every time a hair on your body moves, you jump up, scream, and pat yourself down like you’re putting out a fire. Hitler was that spider and U.F.O.s are the imaginary one that made people more skittish than a cat on an ice rink.

Also, the 40’s brought about some interesting innovations in technology: The Colossus Computer, Radar, Ballistic missiles, Jet aircraft, the jeep, microwave ovens, Velcro, Tupperware, Frisbee’s, and the fucking slinky. Is it any wonder that we started letting our imaginations get the better of us with so much space age shit coming into our lives? Let’s not forget the BIGGEST invention of that time period? Television.

Television gave us the VISUALS to go along with the words we’d heard so often on the radio. NOW we didn’t even need to use our imagination, we could let someone else do it for us. Captain Video, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Space patrol, and Rod Brown of the Rocket Rangers, were all shows that took their ideas from magazines and science fiction writers. If H.G. Wells could scare the shit out of an entire nation in ‘38 with just a radio and a script, these guys must have figured EVERYONE would be fucking glued to that T.V. set like Carol Anne in ‘Poltergeist’. And they were absolutely right.

What happened next? The UFO boom hit. People started seeing flying saucers (Frisbee’s?), Cigar shaped objects in the sky, and strange rocket ships. Why do NONE of the history channel shows make THAT correlation between our visual stories of fictional space adventure and the fact that EVERY UFO supposedly sighted afterwards looked like something from one of those shows? And then the snowball effect came and we went from ‘King of Space’ in the 40’s to the X-Files in the 90’s.

Look, if you WANT to see something bad enough you’ll eventually see it. But much like religions, I ask the SAME thing over and over…show me proof in your hands. Not ONE T.V. show, not ONE newspaper article, and not ONE fake alien autopsy video gives me a shred of evidence. They give me a bunch of REFERENCES, and redacted military files, but nothing I can touch. I’D like to believe it as much as you, but you have to think of the beast whose yolk we live under.

As the U.F.O. craze boomed, and America began the cold war with the Russians, don’t you think that maybe instead of living through a nuclear fucking winter, SOMEONE in the military may have said “Hey, let’s perpetuate these bullshit alien technology stories and let those Ruskies think we have access to advanced weaponry” Then, as the years went by and the nut bags snowballed the bullshit, the government found that it had dug a hole too deep, and couldn’t back out of the story.

Like Oprah said: If you THINK your man is cheating on you…your man is cheating on you and if you THINK your government is full of shit…it’s more full of shit than a diaper at a new born baby taco bell eating contest.

I GET that people WANT to believe we’re not alone, hell: we’d have to be INCREDIBLE narcissists to think that WE are the beginning and the end of intelligence in the universe. There probably IS life, and maybe even INTELLIGENT life on other planets…but they just ain’t getting here. No way, no how.

 Today, some gigantic woman waddled into my store, she must have weighed at least 800 pounds. After my associate rubbed sticks of butter around the door way so she could squeeze through it easier making that ‘POP’ sound like when you put your finger in your cheek and snap it out of your mouth, she angrily approached my counter dragging her gunt in front of her like she was pushing a stroller filled with human fat. I asked her how I could help her, and she heavily breathed ‘I NEED A BATTERY FOR MY CD PLAYER’ at me while bits of Twinkie, hamburger, and that pink shit from those Sno-balls treats came spilling out of her head onto my counter like a broken gumball machine.

She was mad at ME because SHE had to be airlifted off of her trailer bed and go out in public to shop. Then, as I turned to get the batteries, she fell forward on my counter like a sea lion jumping out of the water. When she did so, a wind came wafting out of her like Katrina and the smell could bring a dead cat back to life. She then exclaimed as my counter top began to buckle and strain from her weight “I NEED TO LEAN BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND SO GOOD’. Yeah, you don’t can’t not talk so good neither. Fuck you.

She even said THAT angrily to me like I FUCKING MADE her eat with a feed bag 8 times a day. As I was going to the section to get her batteries, I could hear her behind me muttering to herself, and as I came back I could make out what she was saying. She was muttering to a CAT that wasn’t there! She was SO lonely that NOT only did she JUST talk to cats all fucking day, but she EVEN talked to them when they weren’t around.

Well, put you’re nooses away, it was at about his time that I actually started to feel bad for her. Even though she had a bad attitude and she was a miserable human being who had brought her current situation upon herself, I’m not COMPLETELY heartless… I could SEE that the reason she muttered to an imaginary cat was because she was uncomfortable in public, so like when we were kids, she made an imaginary friend to ‘have her back’ as it were. Her anger was a deflection to hide her inner pain and turmoil. She shouted because she thought that was the only way people would look past her bigness and listen to her as a person, NOT as a weight.

The point of this rambling tale is to illustrate to you that we CAN’T be the only things in this universe with a fucking pulse. As a human being, I HAVE to take the side of my fat ass customer in the galactic fight club and think that SOME species out there…somewhere…has to have something worse in the low end of its evolution. Kind of like when you were a kid and your friend would come over and you’d argue over who had the ugliest ‘Garbage Pail Kid’ card.

Although it’s not necessarily a theory, I’d like to think that a logical assumption of alien interaction in our history may have gone something like this, and I’ve actually written a television screenplay that illustrates this theory, so suck my copyright bitches!

At some point in our recent history, aliens approached our government, in peace, and told them that they would like to extend an olive branch to our species in an effort to save us from ourselves. They would take a majority of us to their home planet where we could live our days in peace, and wonder at their technology which they would be only too happy to share with us once there. I would have to assume that they would NOT share it with us down here, as it would cause a shift of power to those who used it.

Also it would be fair to assume that lengthy talks have taken place to determine the new power structure on the alien world. Would our governments have a say? Would they still be able to rule over us with an iron fist? Would they still be in power? Well, since there would be no need for money, there would really BE no power structure. Everyone would be equal in their own right, and live their days working at whatever labors they chose.

No money? No power? Communist Society? Our leaders would have told these beings to fuck off quicker than my last date told ME when I asked her if she wanted to play ‘hide the sausage’ back at my place. Being intelligent beings and understanding that based on the greed of a very few, MANY would die…the aliens tell our governments that they will go to the people directly and let them decide.

At around this time, the government enlists Hollywood to run a fear campaign and anti alien propaganda film fest. ‘Aliens’, ‘ID4’, ‘Predator’, ‘Species’, and ‘Stargate’ along with hundreds of other movies are made to make SURE that if a little green man ever does step off of a fucking flying saucer, YOU’LL begin to throw rocks at it, try to run it down with your car, and call it a ‘space nigger’.

My guess is that this EITHER took place sometime in the late 80’s because you’d have to think that Spielberg would be in on the conspiracy but he made E.T. more lovable than a tubby cat licking his balls with that one leg pointed STRAIGHT up in the air.

The bottom line? Some of us have hypothesis about aliens, and some of us could give a shit. But it’s time we ALL put more energy into what we’re up to down here, and stop concentrating on what’s going on in the fucking sky…I’m talking to you religious zealots out there too. So what if Dwight gets abducted? Maybe getting a few football field goal posts shoved up his ass will teach him some fucking humility so when you DO ask him for directions he’ll at least point with his thimble covered banjo strumming finger in the direction you need to head. And on the likely side Dwight was full of shit about his abduction? Well, ignoring him will just shut him the fuck up faster. There’s a LOT going on down here and we could use some of that NASA, SETI, and Star Trek franchise money to finally find a fucking cure for something. And just in case aliens are reading this right now, I’d like to say to them: Stay the fuck away from my asshole you space pervert, unless you can make yourself look like Sasha Grey. Then you can stick a pinky up my ass while you’re licking my sack. (How diplomatic am I?)

Like most of you out there, I don’t HAVE a viable answer. I’m still on the fence with this one. I’d LIKE to think we’re not alone, but I’d ALSO like to think that if that were so, we’d have something to prove it other than doctored photos and staged video events. To tell you the truth, I’m not entirely convinced that we walked on the moon. As great a story as the moon landing is, I love the idea of our world being duped by a bunch of out of work commercial actors fucking around on a sound stage and pretending to be astronauts even more. We may never know the truth to any questions regarding aliens in our lifetime, but maybe a future generation will have the strength and fortitude to open themselves up to the possibilities, and also have the foresight to prepare for a little anal payback when aliens DO finally come out of the space closet.

Come to think of it…maybe WE’LL be the aliens abducting OTHER beings on THEIR planet…now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change the filter on my water bong and score some Doritos.

Be a douchebag!

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