Paranormal Activity: Another Fart in Hollywood’s Bathtub

One of the only good things to come out of my many years of retail life…is the perks. There certainly aren’t many and most of the one’s available to us are minimal at best, like extra ketchup packets at McDonalds. But, as service industry employee’s we all understand that we have to put up with an enormous amount of shit from the general public, so we tend to stick together.

Not unlike ‘Fight Club’, we are the downtrodden fools that hold society together. We are NOT unique snowflakes, we are NOT our bank statements, and we are NOT here for you to bitch at because you’re too stupid to know that you have to put a fucking battery in your remote control before you use it. So what ARE we? We’re the ones who hold toys for the ‘star wars’ losers, we’re the ones who tell you which cables you need to hook up your Television to your Bluray player so you can watch ‘Texas Twelve Inch: Everything’s Bigger In Texas’ in high-def, we’re the ones who help you pick out lavish and opulent gifts to give the cashier at ‘Les Brothers’ so you can MAYBE get a handy in the supply closet, we are fatherless children of a broken economy.

So It’s no wonder that there is a secret underground network of us who KNOW our important role in societies gluttonous douchebaggery, and take every opportunity to give each other ‘freebies’, discounts, and occasionally let each other bang that cashier from Les Brothers in our back rooms.

That being said, I sometimes get ‘free’ rentals from the vidja (yeah, I said ‘vidja’, MY word) store. Since most movies are so uncontrollably BAD today, I refuse to pay top dollar to be put to sleep or to throw up a little in my mouth. Sometimes I’ll walk the Vidja store for hours just trying to pick out a movie whose COVER doesn’t make me want to scrape dogshit off my shoe with my tongue.

This week’s rental was NO disappointment in that regard. ‘Paranormal Activity’. Holy shit, I think I fell asleep the minute the tray went into the bluray player. The only thing ‘paranormal’ about this movie was the fact that so many people saw it. 2 hours of watching some guy, film himself listening to his dickhead girlfriend whine about hearing a ghost. Sometimes I am SO glad I’m single.

This movie was so fucking bad that it made ‘Plan 9’ look like ‘The Godfather’. I would rather have sat through one of my Grampa Curmudeon’s slide shows depicting  a giant photo of his nut sack from every year he was alive. They started off as acorns in his youth, and from 1940 through two weeks ago, had dropped down so far that we had to cut a hole in the floor in front of his lounger. This movie was so bad that I’d rather fuck a cat with nails the size of switchblades than see it again. I haven’t been so revolted since I was in grammer school and one of my fellow students shit himself in the seat next to me and you could hear it squishing about in his pants as he fidgeted around to find a comfortable way to live with it rather than be embarrassed by the teacher.

At least one of my biggest questions in life has been answered: What do the horribly uninteresting and deafeningly banal do in their free time? Apparently they sit around the house and do nothing. Hey, if I wanted to see what upper middle class yuppie douche bags do to ‘un’ occupy their time; I’ll go stay at my sisters for a few days.  Is it me? Or was that chick making bead jewelry and knitting in the beginning? No wonder she’s hearing demons, that relationship has become more boring and tedious than an old lady at a rotary phone convention.

And don’t these people have a fucking iPod? Or a TV? They were more entertainment deprived than an Amish family. NO wonder they hear so much weird shit, they just sit there knitting and listening all day. I’m pretty sure that the reason the demon was so pissed was because when he DID turn on the TV, dude didn’t even have cable. Just that blank ass ‘Poltergeist’ screen. Imagine you spend an eternity in hell, you FINALLY find a crack in reality up to the real world, all you REALLY want to do is catch some reruns of F-Troop on Nick at Night, right? No, you get stuck with the only douche-bag on the planet that has a fucking swimming pool, and NO cable. I’d be flipping light switches and draggin bitches out of their bed’s too.

And speaking of which, this had to be the most ineffectual demon I’ve seen since Grandpa Al Lewis. Really? He drunkenly walks about the house, bumping into things, turning on lights and sitting on the bed. THEN he ‘joins’ with a chick that I wouldn’t want to DATE, much less possess. If you think about it, as a demon your ultimate goal would be to fuck with people for as LONG as you possibly could. Like savoring a delicious meal, or coming up with wondrous and inventive ways to dissect your Oreo cookie so it will last longer (just eat the fucking thing, will ya?). But no, this chick is SO annoying, he cuts her loose after 21 days. Well…he lasted longer than me. I was done with her in the first five minutes.

In the old days, no matter HOW boring a story, Hollywood would at least have the decency to put ‘actors’ in their movies. ACTORS! As much as we criticize them , these are people, who in a lot of cases, have taken classes, studied, practiced, and finely honed their craft so that they have an idea of how to make even the most boring character seem interesting. What was with these two Hollywood?

The chick looks like the ugly friend that hangs out with the cute girl in bars and rolls her eyes, says shit like ‘we should go now’, and ‘we’re just going to talk over HERE…for a minute’, and then ruins ANY chance you may have had at getting some stank on your hang low.

The only guy this fish faced chick is interested in is the patuli smellin bearded weasel wearing Birkenstocks, cargo shorts, and a t-shirt that says ‘I like granola’. He’s not witty, but profound…like those assholes who USED to be a lot of fun, but now say shit like ‘That car accident was God telling me to stop drinking’. No asshole, that car accident was Veronica telling you to help her unbutton your cargo shorts so she can give you road head. Fuck you ugly friend. (N fuck you too Birkenstock guy).

The guy in this movie looks like my brother in law. Typical conservative twit. If he’s a day trader, I’m a fucking pirate. I haven’t seen acting this rough since Bob Ucher on Mr. Belvedere. He looks like he should be the ‘comic relief’ in a bad 80’s sitcom. Like Boner on ‘Growing Pains’, only Boner is to this guy, as Marlon Brando is to Screech.

 He doesn’t even seem like an actor, he seems more like an extra, but not in a movie, in life. Like the guy who spreads onion and chive cream cheese on your bagel at the ‘Bagel Hut’, or the ONLY mechanic left who wears a blue jumpsuit with his name tag on it, and sprinkles sawdust on oil because he fucks everything else up, or when you hear a loud CRASH of some liquid in glass hit the floor at the supermarket, and you turn the corner to see this big ape standing there with ragu all over his payless shoes and an ‘I just pumped the neighbor’s cat’ look on his face. THAT guy.

JUST to stay half awake through the whole thing, I was popping 357 magnum’s,  smoking meth, injecting red bull directly into my vein, and propping open my eyes while donning a straight jacked like I’m being brainwashed in Jonestown. Then when I think my favorite part of this movie has come…the end, the bore fest continues with a 15 minute list of fans. The good thing about this, is now there is FINALLY a comprehensive list of ALL the people in America I want to avoid.

What happened to Hollywood’s great horror genre? The original ‘Friday the 13th’, the original ‘Halloween’, ‘Poltergeist’, Alfred Hitchcock flicks, the original ‘Amityville’, hell, even ‘Ghostbusters’. These films ALL had actors in them that went on to become Hollywood icons (except maybe Corey Feldman). They inspired a generation of movie makers like J.J. Abrams and Tarentino. What the fuck is ‘Paranormal Activity’ supposed to inspire besides a lowering of our film going values?

I may be biased here because, let’s face it…I just don’t believe in ghosts, angels, and demons. You may as well believe in unicorns, pixies, and Ryan Seacrests’ hetero-sexuality. Heard something spooky didja? Well maybe, and I KNOW this is a reach, but just maybe…the wood used to build your house? It’s expanding because it’s hot outside. Now I KNOW that’s not as easy to swallow as the fact that your Aunt Hazel is trying to give you her butternut fudge brownie recipe from beyond the grave, but just gargle with it for a few minutes and tell me which sounds more like the gospel.

And just a side note here, but can we get someone to scrape the dogshit that is ‘Ghost Hunters’ of the bottom of my ‘Sci Fi’ channel shoe? These two idiots are more hammy than the 42 year old guy that puts on a Raggedy Andy wig and plays a 12 year old on Spanish soap operas. The ONLY way they’ll get me to watch that show is if they put the camera down on a busted up couch, perform a little rusty razorblade Hari Cari, and then haunt the place themselves.

What happened Hollywood? Where’s the pomp and circumstance? Where’s the fame? The Glamour? The Spirit of showmanship? I want glory, NOT a glory hole.  

And that’s JUST what we’re getting now, tinsel town anonymously sticks it’s dick in a hole on the bathroom stall of our collective taste buds and we suck away like a fat guy with a bomb pop. And if we’re not careful, soon ALL movies will look like this, and you’ll sit there with that wide eyed cupie doll from the carnival look on your face and say ‘not in the eye!’ Well, it’ll be too late to renegotiate by then. You’re takin’ it in the eye, and you’re NOT getting paid extra for it.

Stand up to this bastardization of our standards! My dean had a saying when I was in military school and we were in the mess hall: “You take what you want, but you eat what you take”.  You people keep shelling out your hard earned buck on this crap, and it’s JUST gonna get crappier. Soon the roles will just swap completely and it will cost 10 bucks to MAKE a movie and 200 grand to SEE the fucking thing.

Bottom line? As much as I like my buddy at the vidja store, I’m going to tie this movie to a brick and whip it at his head when I bring it back. I like to think of the video store guy as a drug dealer, and if he puts too many seeds in my bag, you can betcher ass I’m going to want my money back…even if it WAS free.


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